October 28, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


A couple nights ago I said something I shouldn't have and I'd take it back if I could. 


I told her that I wouldn't date her right now even if it was allowed.

It was apparent to me that she took it the wrong way which I am to blame for. I didn't explain before I said it.


Ever since then it pops up a little when I talk to her, she mentions something about that I don't want her, don't wanna date her, or that we aren't dating. I wish Mac never happened, that he never existed and that she never dated him. However the fact of the matter is: She did date him. That fact alone is not why I said I wouldn't date her yet. 

I said it because she literally just got out of a relationship with him and hasn't pushed him far enough away that I'd feel comfortable. 


For whatever reason she doesn't understand or doesn't care to consider that holding onto your ex's isn't okay and I just don't to go back into a relationship and be followed by that. It needs to stop, she needs to cut them out because for example: Mac LITERALLY said he still wants her whilst they're still close and I'm supposed to be fine with that.

Like nah, I can't. Not after everything that happened between them over the course of all these months, things that were hidden from me, secrets that were kept, etc...


I want him and all these other desperate fck boys gone and I hope she cares enough, respects my feelings enough and wants me enough to make that small decision. You can NOT just be friends with your ex's. That's not how it works and its a universal rule in romantic relationships that holding onto your ex's isn't okay at ALL.  


I regret what I said because of how it came off, but in the way I mean in- I still mean it. I want him gone and from the looks of it, that isn't anytime soon unfortunately. She hugged him right in front of me yesterday, she sits with him at lunch everyday, she stills texts him, 

etc... They may be officially broken up but what difference does it make if you still do all the same things? I mean I hope she isn't sneaking around with him like she always has with me as well but the other little things matter too. I can't be her everything if someone else already is. I can't be her everything when she leans on someone else for support, I can't if me and her are having problems but instead of communicating she goes to someone else to rant to. Having guy friends is already something 95% of guys find annoying and its even worse when its one of her ex's. Its just not okay and hopefully she'll figure that out.


She is aware at the least of what I said, I meant it when I said I want him gone completely and I feel like she doesn't care, or she's just ignoring it because we can't actually date yet anyways so she wants to take the time between now and the end of school to her advantage and keep him around. 


Its frustrating and I don't know what to do about it.

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