Dear Diary,
Yesterday something upset me pretty bad.
It was my own thoughts... sort of.
I wonder if they'll actually break up?
If she still has feelings for him or if she still wants him. I wonder if she'll do the same thing with him that she did with me. Breaking up but never apart, meeting in the stairwells, sneaking out together, skipping extra curriculars to still spend time together regardless of the fact that we weren't a "couple".
She told me they broke up, but does that really mean anything? Will she ask to leave class to meet him in the same way she did me, or still text him as if they have a future like she still does to me? Can I trust that she will actually put that wall up between them and that this is the end of what they had?
I wonder these things because once I was her boyfriend, once I was allowed to hold her hand, to kiss her, I took her to school dances and out to restaurants, I publicly carried the title of being her lover and now I don't
but...
She still loves me, she still talks to me about our future,
she still seeks attention from me. She still kisses me, we still make love, she still sends me things that I wish only my eyes saw.
My point is that we were never over so how do I know they will be?
Should I give into what my mind hopes is true? Do I give into her again and start to believe she's only mine or...
just hold back and be aware that they just aren't over yet?
At the moment It just hasn't been long enough, who knows if they'll get back together or if they are even done.
I don't know the contents of their conversation, I don't know what is still between them and how long it'll last.
Hope is all I have but I also have to practice precaution because I don't know everything.
I don't have the right to make any of these decisions anyways nor the position. I'm not sure of anything nor can I expect anything on her behalf. Just gotta go with the flow.
These are the thoughts that upset me.
This is what's in my mind 24/7 every single second of my life and only time will give me these answers.
All I can do is wait.
Cutting helps, I cry when I don't. Sleeping mostly helps, music sometimes helps, staying occupied with anything sometimes helps but as I said...
Only time will tell.
Time is the only constant variable in my life
and the only thing I can be sure will come true.