Dear Diary,
Each day I find myself more and more dislikeable. Currently, I am grappling with the reality that I cannot make everyone happy, even without including myself in that. In all honesty, this feels stupid. But, I am going to do something right. If nothing else, I will stay clean. So I suppose this is an alternative to self harm.
I really hate myself. And I hate how attention seeking that sounds. But when I think about it, everyone who dislikes me has good reason to. And I can't fault the people who stuck around for favouring those who left me behind. I always told myself that I didn't expect the forgiveness I show others to be returned, but the truth is that I did. I believed that because I could forgive anyone for any transgression against me, that they would do the same for me. What a fool I was.
I'm happy for them. I'm glad that they are able to value themselves enough to cut people off. I'm bitter about it though. I'm bitter that it had to be me. I want to lash out at my friends. The ones staying neutral. I'm hurt. It hurts. It hurts knowing that your friends function just fine without you. But I can't blame them. I would have done the same in their shoes. Not necessarily cutting them off but, still spending time with the person trying to cut them off. Creating an uncomfortable environment for the person, intentionally or not. Doesn't mean I'm okay with it though.
I wish I'd cut him off before he cut me off. I had reason to. He was talking shit about my best friend. She's never done anything to warrant any hate, especially not from him. I wish I'd never added him to my group chats. I wish I'd never dated his ex. I should have stayed single. Maybe waited for my ex. We had a good relationship.
I think I'm a bad person. And I'm watching, powerless as I see myself getting worse and worse. I wish I wasn't like this.
Sincerely, Me