September 24, 2021 Feelings to process


Dear Diary,

I've been feeling very glum today. I always try to promise myself that I'll talk to parents today without trying to rush the convo to end. But I never succeed! Today it was the news of the scholarship. That I'm not eligible for it. And in that moment I wanted to shut the phone and get on with the day. But offcourse I couldnt. I had to tell them about today's breakfast, yesterday's dinner, my group project details...sigh...I want to be nice and considerate, and I understand I'm the only kid, and they're desperate to still have me in some form in their life,...but sometimes you just need some space to process thoughts for yourself. 

I am also feeling drained from all the group projects this semester... I was supposed to get pizza today with Christian, but now he says I didn't know if you were coming, so I made other plans? I hate people who don't value other peoples' time. 

I dont know what, but there's something uneasy inside me and I dont know what it is. I have a lot of people inside my life, but I dont know what they're doing in it. I cant place them anywhere. I am having all these surreal intimate life changing experiences with these people, who I know will leave my life soon. And it's confusing to me, because I have never been in these situations before. The possibility of having my sacred thoughts and experiences spread in the minds of people scattered around the world who I may never see again. Is life really about just living in the present? 

Sometimes I feel we're so close, and then in the next moment I feel we're only so because of the situations around us. Jo's going to Mexico and then Peru for Christmas. Then I'll never see her again. It will be a new roomie. Emilie, Aditi and Filippa will be here until the next sem. And then its adios to them too. And Raphel, I have no clue what we are, but he'll leave too, soon. Will these people still want to keep in touch? Would I remember these experiences any differently if we didn't keep in touch? Wth do I need every single person who crosses paths with me to mean something? 

I hope I find a way to clear up the clouds lingering in my head...