Hello Diary, 

Well I'm feeling much better than I was on the 12th but also feeling so incomplete and unsure on so many things.  When things are left unfinished or open ended my brain goes crazy!!! Then of course that makes me overwhelmed and overwhelmed makes my anxiety go in overdrive then I'm exhausted which turns to depression. 

How fun!! Lol... always cycling,  rapid intense emotions, never in the here & now, never relaxed enough to actually enjoy a moment of life.  If only my brain could slow down... 

Anyways,  husband & I are being much better. I should be happy but my mind keeps wondering are we really doing better or is it just because of all the extra sex we're having? Sex makes me feel really connected to him. Moods are better, we are more attentive & caring. But..  is that the real us or is it the sex hormones & endorphins racing thru our bodies? When the sex dies down as it always does, will we still be so intensely in love like little teenagers or back to being us..  grumpy, moody, short tempered & doing our own things divided? The love is definitely there between us but so aren't so many bad habits with each other.  

Life is so damn complicated for people like me.  Feels like it's never quiet,  never content.  I don't know what my next steps are but I'm thinking it might be time for some therapy & maybe meds. There's no reason to live in this much pain & hell when it could be helped.  

Such a sucker for self destruction... 

Really working on the whole self care thing 🙃 

May tomorrow be even better than today!!