September 06, 2021


Dear Diary, hey thought I'd write something again. I've been doing fine. Guess I wasn't feeling that desperate lately so I didn't have as much motivation to write. Well more on that later I guess.

I wanted to start with my Dad. Unfortunately it seems that his cancer is back. Its not completely sure, there were just some hints regarding it in his data. But now he is doing chemos again, which of course sucks. I haven't seen him again since then, but apparently he lost all his hair now. Honestly I'm not super sad about this, which might be awful but is the truth.

We never had a very good relationship to each other. He was a heavy drinker and left us just around the time I became a teenager. And even before then I never felt like he really cared about my interests or what my actual personality is. Even now we have nothing to talk about. Whenever we are together he just asks me if I can ride a bike yet or want to get my drivers licence or if I want to take a vacation. He makes me feel really bad about not doing these things. But they are things he cares about, so he always talks about them. And I dont mind hearing about his vacations, but why cant he accept that thats not something Im doing right now.

And thats what I finally told him, when he told me that his cancer is back. Which was the worst possible time, but I just couldnt help it. He was like: Why do you never call me? He always demands that we have this perfect father son relationship when there is just no basis for that. I made suggestions in the past what we could do. For example I said that I could help him with one of his building projects. That wouldnt be so forced, its something he does anyway and I would actually learn something useful. But he never came back to that. Maybe it was because of the illness, but it was gone for 2 years. I dont know it just sucks. Now I call him every 1,5 weeks or so, because that is what I feel he wants from me. But I wont let this make me feel awful or anything. Its really not my fault what happened.

Ok so regarding the whole wanting a girlfriend thing I've been a lot more relaxed about it lately. I still would love to have one, but I just can't keep up the energy to be someone I'm not. So I've mostly been playing games the last few months. I just finished the Great Ace Attorney Chronicles and now I'm playing Shin Megami Tenseri Nocturne HD. I'm feelimg a lot more like my self again. Unfortunately being a shutin is just my way of life it seems. Which doesnt mean that I never want to go out and do things with other people. But I just cant keep it up for days and weeks like much more extroverted people do. Like I said in the past: Being myself and "getting myself out there" are really at odds for me.

I am invited to a party by that one female friend I talked about a few months ago. She seemed really eager for me to come, which is nice. I will probably stay there fpr the night since she and her bf live about 2,5 hours away per train. I dont wnst to leave the party at 23. I never stayed they night after a party, dont actually know how exactly that works to be honest. But I will see I guess. I havent told her that I'm staying yet, but I bet she will be happy about that too.

It will be on the 25th the day before the election. I already voted per mail, because I don't want to miss my chance because of the party. I voted for the green party if you want to know. Hopefully we will get a more progressive government noq that Merkel is gone. I was so sick of the CDU and their bullshit. Thankfully their candidate Laschet is losing big time right now. We really need to do become climate neutral soon and the CDU is stuck in the past.

Regarding Knight she seems to be more talkative lately. I never know what is up with her though. One time she showed me a multiplayer game for the switch called sky that you can play together online for free. I asked if we could play together but she always found some reason why she couldnt right now. She was playing the game though  so I dont get why we couldnt play together. Sometimes I think she is afraid of me for some reason. Like she maybe does have feelings for me, but is afraid of relationships so she avoid me while still talking to me. Is that a crazy thought? She has never been in a relationship either, so it could be. All I want is just some hugs, to feel that someone acrually cares and its possible for me to have sharef feelings with someone. But I cant tell her that, because she already rejected me. Well now that we are both vaccinated, maybe we can go to the cinema again. We maybe wanted to see Suicide Squad, we will see what happens.

 I havent really touched Dating Apps in the last months. But there is someone who gave me a like on Bumble. She seems pretty cool. She is interested in videogames, speaks Japanese, studies Colonial Studies and describes herself as "Discount Uma Thurman". Maybe I will give it a chance the next few days.

Good bye, be kind to yourself.