Pleasure VS. Safety


[ENTRY 3..✍]

One year and eight months. That's how long I haven't had action with a guy. That's how long I haven't had sex. Somebody asked me out on a date yesterday and I'm freaking out. I've detached myself from the world a little too far that it seems as though I don't know how to be a normal functioning human anymore. Do I even still know how to talk to people? I mean, I talk to people on a daily basis but it's usually when I go out to buy something in which conversing doesn't require that much effort. But this is a date with a foreign man who comes from a hook-up culture and I'm afraid he might have some sexual diseases because who knows how many girls he has slept with already. And I absolutely hate how I'm worrying about this as if we'd actually end up having sex. But isn't sex always on the table when you go out with someone? He's a guy, he for sure expects that. And I'm a girl who hasn't had it in almost two years which makes me insanely horny in most days that I think it's time I should get back into the game already. But another part of me is saying "stay in the house you dumb bitch and be safe". I just recovered from the flu and I thought I was going to die. It wasn't coronavirus but still, it made me a little paranoid. Man, this fucking COVID is one hell of a bitch. I used to not care about it because I've already put myself in confinement way before it became mainstream so being an introverted ass that I am, I absolutely enjoyed it. But now, it just feels like I need to GET OUT and mingle with people. I've been hauled up in the walls of my own comfort zone for far way too long and though they keep me safe, there are days when I feel suffocated.


What do I do? Should I ghost him? Haha. Nah. I should go out. IT'S BEEN A WHILE, OK? We'll just talk. TALK. But what if it's awkward? Grr. I know I'd be shy as fuck but there's a solution for that: ALCOHOL. But I also know that when I drink, I become crazy horny which will make it hard for me to resist sex should he ever make a move, which brings us back to whatever sexual diseases or virus he might carry.

MAIS PUTAIN. Do you see my problem here?

I haven't even included the fact that he used to model so he's quite gorgeous. He changed his profile picture on Facebook yesterday and girls were commenting how handsome he is—HOT GIRLS—and it made me wonder if he's fucked all of them. Even if we'd use protection, it still makes me wary. Wait, wait.. Hold on. What if he'd change his mind about me? LOL. I'm getting way too over my head that I almost forgot we both come from completely different species. He's a beautiful extroverted human whereas I'm an awkward walking disaster.

Anyway, I have a week to get to know him better before the date. Which means a week to lose interest in him and back out.

Alors, voilà. You've heard my paranoia talking but the chill me just wants to see if I can still be fun and charming, actually, and wants to consider him a trial and error before officially going back to the playing field, so.. Seeing how my paranoia stresses me out, I'd rather listen to chill. Chill is stress-free and I don't like being stressed. Besides, I need something new to happen in my life so I'll have something to write about other than depressing thoughts when the dark hours strike. Having said all that, I guess we'll just see what happens then. Ciao~✌️