August 24, 2021

TW: Suicidal ideation

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I fall asleep feeling hopeless, wishing that I will never wake up.

Sometimes I plan my death. It would be so simple. I'm on many medicatioms.

I tell myself, I need to feed my dogs, and my rabbits. I need to care for my snake. Nobody else loves my little boa. I need to care for my little hamster. He's helpless without me.

I think about my husband being sad. He doesn't have close friends. I'm his friend.

I think about how I would need to delete and throw out so many of my writings, I order to preserve people's feelings, and not embarrass myself. And besides, I'm actually trying to finish a couple of things. And I've promised to illustrate a story for someone.

And then I think, Okay, when I've finished all of that, I'll write a nice letter, and I'll die. But I know there will always be something left undone, and I'm not the type to leave things undone.

But one morning, like today, I wake up feeling glad I'm alive. And that positivity resets me, and makes me realize: I'm not unloved; I'm depressed! It's all chemicals whirling around in my head. Love, hate, hope, self loathing - they are all chemical interactions. I need new meds.