August 23, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


I am forging a new kind of relationship with my sister. I have three sisters, but she is the only one I would speak to regularly, because she would call me. But, she has stopped calling me.


Other sisters are either busy or not phone people. I'm not really phone people either. So when sister stopped calling me, I didn't mention it, and just kept messaging her regularly. So I'm keeping in touch, but if my role in our conversations is to shut up and listen, I prefer this mode of communication. It's easier to emote at any rate - by choosing an emoji, or putting an exclamation point at the end of a sentence. Otherwise, I am too often perceived as angry.


I love all my sisters dearly. But I know my one sister sees me as a rigid tyrant. I enjoy being grounded. That is my connection to the collective, shared reality of humanity. And yet, my husband finds me maddeningly free spirited. Sister always argues that everything is on a spectrum, but doesn't recognize my place on the spectrum as valid. I'm somewhere in the middle, like most folks. 


I'm not likeable, really. I can keep up a fun facade for parties, but my true self is devoid of expression. I'm a mimic. And I'm okay with this, but I know other people aren't. I mask my true self for their comfort. But I don't have the energy to do it all the time, especially for those close to me. I'm worthy. I'm human. And I'm an artist, which I think is both fun and contributory. So. I guess people who don't like me can stuff it. And I guess my family still loves me, but I have to put on my persona for them. I got too comfortable for a while.


My husband loves me, and he gets worried when I drop my facade, because he thinks I'm sad. Be he loves me with or without it. I think he actually loves real self more, because he is that way. But he never learned to mask himself or pretend to be outgoing. He didn't really need to. Unlike me, he doesn't rely on others to fulfill his social needs. I still need love and attention, which I can only obtain by assimilating, and he doesn't require it. But, we both love each other in the way that we understand love. Just two lil' robots, I guess. Robots in love.


I'm glad I kept messaging my sister. I'm going to make an effort to keep in touch with all of my sisters this way.

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