CW: Suicidal Ideation & Pot
Dear Diary,
I have OCD, which I know most people think means I clean a lot, or am very tidy or meticulous, and that I don't like pictures hanging crooked on the wall. Well, I am fairly tidy, but nobody likes crooked pictures, so none of that is really my ocd.
I have Pure Obsession (Pure O), which is a misnomer due to a previous misunderstanding that some ocd people don't have compulsions, but it really just means that my compulsions aren't readily evident. So, I'm not like that show Monk. I'm more like that show Pure O. I'm just not surrounded by drama like everyone in that show.
Pure O is not too uncommon. OCD has two parts: intrusive thoughts (obsession), and compulsions created to avoid those thoughts.
So, I obsess over everything, but my base fear that everything sort of revolves around is suicide. I only just figured it out, because my mind is so cluttered. I will think about a conversation that I had all day, and how it was wrong, and I'll play it over and over trying to "fix" it until I scream. Or I will get upset that I forgot something at the grocery store. Or that something is the wrong color. Everything goes back to the thought that if I can't get things right, I'll be at fault, will not be earning my place in the world, and will have to kill myself. I struggle with controlling my emotions.
I don't need anyone to explain why this is irrational. OCD isn't logical. Intrusive thoughts are like a voice, even like a hallucination. They're just there. I already know they don't make sense. So it's less like I'm thinking about it, and more like someone is standing there spouting these ideas into my ear constantly, and I'm trying to ignore them by occupying my mind with trivial things.
Common pure O compulsions are like...
- Ruminating over social interactions
- Counting
- Repeating words or phrases
- Perseveration (a word my sister taught me in a spiteful manner, but I looked it up and it's an ocd thing.)
- For me, obsessing over the colors of my clothing.
- Also me: Being very possessive and controlling of food. I'm improving.
Anyway. I'm grateful that I got down the the nitty gritty of my obsessions. My brain is like fireworks, always distracting me with a myriad of irrational thoughts. But then, at the very heart of those thoughts is that little voice that says, "Well, you deserve to die, because you're awful. Here are some ideas for that."
Now when it says, "Hey, remember that embarrassing thing?" I can skip the embarrassing thing and say, "Yeah, I already know where this is going, and I'm not dying today, because I need to feed my animals, and water my garden. If I die, they die."
All this to say, my husband is out of town. The panic set in that I would kill myself while he is away. (I have an intense fear now that I will, but it's another ocd trick, and I am not in danger.)
My one friend, we aren't close enough yet for me to tell her all these things, but we are going to hang out a little bit. Still, nights alone can be scary. And as much as my brain tells me I should die, it also strikes fear in my heart by obsessively trying to convince me that someone will break into my house and murder me, and all my pets will escape and be hit by cars. So, I'd better lock all the doors, check that they're locked, and check them again ad infinitum.
I do experience such extreme dissociation from that part of my mind that I consider it to be a seperate entity from myself. I think that's very common, too. Lots of people name their OCD. And you know that joke, where people say, "The voices in my head tell me to do things"? Well, for me, it's true, and they show me pictures too. But, I'm a very capable person. I can deal.
I wish people believed me sometimes, but a lot of people ( including people I'm related to) don't think OCD is a real mental illness. I ignore their opinions, and take my medication. It dampens my moods. And then I get a little stoned pretty often, which causes me to lose my train of thought so that I can't ruminate. My doctor said that's safer than many alternatives, but I would like to have something less impairing.
Anyway, I know I'm long winded, but having am outlet to be long winded is helpful. And getting these thoughts put is cathartic. Anything I can put into words, I feel I can handle.
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