Dear Diary,
Sometimes I feel worried about the future, or guilty. I live far away from my family, so I don't see them often. Once Or twice a year, I see them, or they come and see me.
I haven't really been there to see my now-adult nephew grow up, and same for my niece, who has just become a teenager. The fact is, although I love them, I don't know them that well.
I know the reaction when a distant relative dies. You sigh, and say, "Oh, that's sad."
My husband is a lot older than me, and I could outlive him by quite a bit. We have no children. We never wanted children.
But, someday I'll die, and someone might say, "Ah, that's sad," but that's pretty much it. I will vanish without a trace. And , really, I won't mind; I'll be dead! But... if I leave nothing behind, do I still have a purpose here?If you asked that, I would say "of course." When I ask for myself, I feel less certain.
Someone asked me once why I make art, and I wasn't sure. But they were expecting an answer, so I said, "to leave something behind, I guess."
It turned out they just wanted to lead into a lecture about why I was wrong about whatever answer I gave them, and how art for art's sake is the only good reason for art. I think people are more complex than that. I think you can create art for art, or beauty, or for any reason at all. Maybe it makes you feel connected, or let's you escape. Maybe you want to use it to change something, or to make money, or memorialize a moment, a person, or a time. I don't think it's fair to put a leash on art, and say there's only one good reason for it.
But, still. If my flustered knee-jerk answer was that I wanted to leave something behind, maybe it's true. Maybe I really don't want to be forgotten. Maybe a little hubris is okay, and I never should have let them beat it out of me with guilt trips about who I should be, how I should conduct myself, and WHY I should do anything that I do.
I've gotten in the habit of producing secret creations. Things that are just for me, and the future. Things that might be tossed, because going through the belongings of a stranger is tedious, and strangers are all I will have. But, maybe I'll succeed in leaving one thing behind.