Dear Diary, I don't know what to write. I don't know what's happening to me I am being influenced by so many people. Sometimes I just want to cry but I am not able to. Am I trying hard or just am I an idiot. Maybe I am an idiot. My problem is that I want to be loved and I know many like me but my mind still believe I am alone and I am not someone to be loved. My mind could be right I am not someone who is supposed to be loved. I want to see everyone be happy. I don't know what I am. Sometimes I feel like am just acting and the real me is trapped inside this body. So many have told me that l they'll be there for me I don't feel it. Though I know my parents will be with me forever I can't believe it. I am just a scared little kid inside, afraid to be alone yeah like loki himself. I am much relatable to loki. What I do is to just stay in the picture so that atleast they know I am alive, is it wrong? I don't know. Sometimes I become too possessive, seeing my friends talking to someone else, can I change that. I really don't want to be possessive but I am not able to, Am I trying too hard or is it just that I am not even able to try, I don't know....
Am I just a dead weight to this world, or is there a purpose for me. Maybe this is correct path. But why can't I find happiness going by this path. Sometimes I just want to disappear or instead of taking the lives of other people who are really happy why isn't god taking my life, I really don't want to committ suicide but I am happy to die, yeah I am crying but it feels great to cry I want to cry more. You know so many people are really happy why God?
Why are you not taking my life. Why can't you just take me away atleast talk to me please I don't know why I am here. I am an idiot, nothing to this world just make me disappear please, yeah my parents will be sad I know but they'll move on and they won't have to take care of me. Why did you give me this life, for nothing????
I don't know what I am supposed to do, be a doctor, I don't think so I don't have the qualities to become a doctor I don't deserve to live. But I am scared to suicide, take my life for someone else I am happy to die. Donate my organs so that at least they could live and be happy. I really thought I could become a doctor but now I know I am not able. I am disabled. Why is the education system of India like this, there are so many people who have the ability to become good doctors yet they don't have opportunities. And I got an opportunity and I know I don't fit here but if I leave now I don't know what to do, I don't want to live as a burden to my family and I don't belong to this life, medico.
Do you know the funny part, I thought I could change the world, but I can't even find my purpose of life.