July 24, 2021

3
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Dear Diary, I don't know what to write. I don't know what's happening to me I am being influenced by so many people. Sometimes I just want to cry but I am not able to. Am I trying hard or just am I an idiot. Maybe I am an idiot. My problem is that I want to be loved and I know many like me but my mind still believe I am alone and I am not someone to be loved. My mind could be right I am not someone who is supposed to be loved. I want to see everyone be happy. I don't know what I am. Sometimes I feel like am just acting and the real me is trapped inside this body. So many have told me that l they'll be there for me I don't feel it. Though I know my parents will be with me forever I can't believe it. I am just a scared little kid inside, afraid to be alone yeah like loki himself. I am much relatable to loki. What I do is to just stay in the picture so that atleast they know I am alive, is it wrong? I don't know. Sometimes I become too possessive, seeing my friends talking to someone else, can I change that. I really don't want to be possessive but I am not able to, Am I trying too hard or is it just that I am not even able to try, I don't know....


Am I just a dead weight to this world, or is there a purpose for me. Maybe this is correct path. But why can't I find happiness going by this path. Sometimes I just want to disappear or instead of taking the lives of other people who are really happy why isn't god taking my life, I really don't want to committ suicide but I am happy to die, yeah I am crying but it feels great to cry I want to cry more. You know so many people are really happy why God?

Why are you not taking my life. Why can't you just take me away atleast talk to me please I don't know why I am here. I am an idiot, nothing to this world just make me disappear please, yeah my parents will be sad I know but they'll move on and they won't have to take care of me. Why did you give me this life, for nothing????


I don't know what I am supposed to do, be a doctor, I don't think so I don't have the qualities to become a doctor I don't deserve to live. But I am scared to suicide, take my life for someone else I am happy to die. Donate my organs so that at least they could live and be happy. I really thought I could become a doctor but now I know I am not able. I am disabled. Why is the education system of India like this, there are so many people who have the ability to become good doctors yet they don't have opportunities. And I got an opportunity and I know I don't fit here but if I leave now I don't know what to do, I don't want to live as a burden to my family and I don't belong to this life, medico.


Do you know the funny part, I thought I could change the world, but I can't even find my purpose of life.




S
Szonu✓
Jul 24, 2021 · 29 views

Comments (3)

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S
SzonuJul 25, 2021

Thnk you 😊😊

E
ellsyJul 25, 2021

There are very less entries on this site to which I can relate but yours is the one I find relatable. Been there. I can't say I know your or mine purpose in life. But I do know that it isn't quitting , so take a deep breath, and just give whatever you are pursuing one more try. Think of it this way , the world is your canvas and you can't create a masterpiece if you don't pick up the brush and try, the inspiration will never come to you that way, firstly believe that you'll create a masterpiece and then keep on trying till you create one. After a few failed attempts you will create one. "Believe that you believe in what you believe."

G
gJul 24, 2021

The more you loathe yourself,the less you are able to realize your true potential & the less you'll use it.And this is how the rabbit hole deepens.Let me start by stating the obvious,this highly functional body of ours that can react to heat,emotions & uses energy to survive isn't just there to exist without a valid reason.We are born with purposes & sometimes we make our own.Despite being a doctor(my goal is also the same) we have tons of career paths we fail to see.Future never goes the way we perceive it to be.So hang in there dear.I think back on myself & realize,no one had their shit together.Where I stand now,I didn't think I would be like this at all.Keep questioning,what is it that can't be achieved? The answer lies on your ability to improve & sticking with it.You are here in the present &that's the most important thing.You haven't given up yet,right? Blessings to you🌾

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