July 24, 2021

I told Da at 2am that I was going to sleep early tonight, and I did. But I woke up about 3 hours later and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure if it's because I needed to pee or if it's too hot in my room or both. 

After being unable to go back to sleep, I scrolled on Instagram. I don't know why, but I'm kinda sad about the fact that out of all three of the people who have given me tattoos, none of them posted mine on their pages. 

I rarely go on Instagram. I used to post a picture on insta every day when I was in 11th and 12th grade, or maybe just 12th. It was essentially my photo-diary back then and twitter was my text-diary. 

Then I didn't have any kind of diary until I started posting here a year ago.

Both my Twitter and Instagram accounts are practically dead now. Sometimes I miss tweeting my random thoughts, but it's not like anyone would even see them. Twitter reminds me of when I was suicidal, anyway. Instagram just feels like a vanity project. I don't really have anything to take pictures of and post for the world- or a select few followers- to see. 

I'm better off just staying here on the open diaries where some people can see my posts, but they'll mostly go unnoticed. I'm okay with that. 

But sometimes something funny will happen or be said and I'm like, "damn, that would've been a good tweet." Really though, twitter doesn't feel right since it has changed from 140 characters. 

Anyway, what I meant to say is that I only use Instagram every now and then to scroll through pics of tattoos. I started doing that my senior year of college. I kinda stopped for a while, but when I'm bored I'll find myself scrolling through them again. 

My most recent tattoo artist suggested that I get a tattoo of my favorite pokemon and put it next to the Love Ball that she tattooed on me. At the time I was like ehh maybe, but I can't stop thinking about it now. I'd love to just look down at my shoulder and see my fav pokemon. I'd be pretty happy. So that'll probably be my next tattoo. 

The tattoo artist is new to my state. She just moved here at the end of June. Her favorite pokemon is Squirtle and she's a turtle lover. I want to help her feel welcome here and give her a welcome present, so I bought her a Squirtle amiibo. It hasn't arrived yet and I won't give it to her unless I have another appointment with her sometime. I hope she'll like it and not think I'm weird.

Making friends with people is so awkward. I'm so worried about coming off weird and shit. 

I've been wanting to message her about the Pokemon tattoo, but I don't want to bother her or something? I don't know. 

I feel like she might not have liked me or something and that's why she didn't post my tattoo and she's hoping that I won't come back.

Any time I get the courage to message her, it goes away before I've even opened the app.

--

I wish there was something I could do for J and his brother. Their immediate family situation is not great. Buying a pool and a trampoline doesn't make up for you being shitty parents.

CJ needs to be in preschool or *something.* He's had absolutely no exposure to other kids and he has no idea how to play with others. The poor kid, 4 years old, is only just starting to be potty trained. 

J needs some serious help. He needs anger management asap. He's starting to hit himself and others (I've been a victim to his anger). He needs therapy at the very least. He doesn't know how to deal with being told no. He wants every toy that he sees and he demands them. 

There's a specific toy car that he wants and we've looked everywhere for it. Amazon, Walmart, ebay, etc, and nothing. 

He has also had a generally negative attitude. It's upsetting. 

It's not like he can't get the help he needs. He's on disability. He could get whatever therapy or help that would, well, help him. But his parents are lazy as shit and wouldn't bother taking him to the doctor/appointments. 

I love J, but I don't wanna be around him if he's gonna be a little shit all the time.

--

My dad and I both have been applying to 3 different jobs every week since the first week of June, so 7 weeks. 

I don't exactly know how many jobs have reached out to him, but it's been at least three. 

I've only had one job respond to me in a positive way. I sent in an initial application and then a little bit later they send me an email asking for a detailed application. I could email it to them or come in and fill it out. 

It kinda hurts that I've applied to all of these places and nobody wants me. 

My dad applied for a job at the same place and they called him wanting to do a phone interview. They want him and they're willing to just possibly maybe consider me.

Employers only want to hire people with experience but you can't get any damn experience if no one hires you. 

It's so stupid. 

I just want some stability. 

I need to work on learning how to drive, but I barely have anyone to teach me. My dad can be a real dick, especially when he's trying to "teach" someone. My mom can't legally teach me since she's only got a permit herself. Da *could* teach me, but he gets distracted and I don't know how well he would do as a teacher. 

But I at least need to get a job if I ever want to live with Da. 

It's hard to get a job when you don't know how to drive and I can't pay for license/insurance without a job.

I really fucked myself over in high school when I was too scared to learn.

Ugh, hindsight.