Dear Diary,
I'm so depressed and mentally unhealthy. I think if I don't find a way out of it, its gonna ruin what life I have left. That life being my relationship with my significant other and my future after senior year as well as maybe even senior year itself.
It started in middle school and got pretty bad up from that point.
I don't remember the exact moment but 6-7th grade was when I started cutting.
Not to use it as an excuse but my home life was shit as well. Not that I ever really asked but nobody was there for me and when anyone tried to be, they only made things worse because they either didn't take me seriously or didn't understand.
I know it sounds a bit cheesy but the only time I every really felt any happiness was when a girl entered the picture. During 7th grade a girl was new to the school, she was shy, was interested in a lot of the same things as me as well. She admitted her feelings toward me at the end of a school day in 8th after we had been close friends for a while. I saw she was nervous, she was bright red in the face, and she stuttered as she said it but it was so courageous.
Growing up in school everyone was always to scared to say it face to face, they did it by texting, or passing notes, or asking a friend to tell someone else, so to have someone do that knowing how uncomfortable and scary it was for them really sparked my interest in her on top of the bit of a crush I had already had on her.
We never really dated but we started texting a bit, she wasn't allowed to have a phone at the time because her parents just raised her strict so using her tablet we called sometimes just to chat.
In the end I screwed up, at the time I was a young hormonal teenager and I moved things too fast. I never realized how inconsiderate I was being when I brought up subjects that only couples should even discuss let alone talk about doing.
One night she mouthed off to her mom, she got her device taken and they went through our messages. Her mom got pretty pissed off at the things she saw, although I never meant any of the sexual subject to be taken seriously, the girl told her mom she felt pressured and I was mad she was making me look bad because she never gave me a clue how she was feeling, if anything she continued to provoke the subject.
Her mom contacted my mom, I got grounded from my phone and It was taken for 8 months.
At school on Monday (because it happened over a weekend), her mom contacted the school and made sure we were sitting apart. I was so upset and pissed off. I saw her bursting into tears at school all day that day, I tried to talk to her but she blew me off and told all her friends it was my fault so I was hated by a lot of them for a while.
So I blew that happiness that was developing. In the end she deserved better, I'm a horrible person and all I'd do is damaged her and apologize because I never meant to. I am the way I am unfortunately, staying out of everyone's way seems to be the right thing to do.
My first real girlfriend was in 7th grade, we had been living with my grandparents because my parents relationship issues, my dad had been a dying alcoholic that wouldn't leave the house so we had to move out from him. The girl was someone that lived down the road, someone I had knew during elementary school when I had lived with my grandparents earlier in life. We had reunited when I was riding a bike down the road and she pointed me out by my name. Things sparked from there and she was my first real kiss on the day or around the day of my 13th birthday. I went over all the time, and even had her over to hangout once. However once my dad finally got evicted from the apartment we moved back and the relationship never lasted. Over some summers after, I went over to my grandparents house to visit and biked down to her house, we never really stayed in the friendzone with each other, it was the I started going over or the ones soon after that we were making out again. Never dating though, just having fun.
Sometimes I went over just to hangout and she wanted to kiss me, I hesitated first and didn't let her because I didn't want to develop feelings I knew she couldn't fulfill because of our long distance problem. I let her anyways and fell into it.
As we got older, 14-15 things became more than just kissing, started feeling around more and because she was over a year older than me- she was also a year more experienced than me so I sort of just let her do what she wanted. We never went further than touching over clothes for a while. It never continued though because I stopped living there. The happiness never stayed.
My second relationship was freshman year, I was happy for a bit, we took things slow so it could never be a problem. However after about a month, the morning of school me met in the hallway as we usually did and she said she had something to tell me. She admitted to cheating, never fucked anyone at that point but she kissed him. I was mad as hell, I broke it off there and I'm glad I did because if she had cared about what she had done at all she wouldn't have got with him literally the next day. The happiness never stayed.
My third relationship started during the summer after freshman year.
She was someone I had been crushing on and she liked me back but I couldn't have her because her boyfriend was my bestfriend as well during freshman year but eventually they split.
I had waited a whole year for this girl, even turned down others because I wanted her.
We started texting, it wasn't long before we had a date set. They were really fun dates, kissed the first night at a drive in theater, kissing was really all we did that night. When I got home, I posted on social media "Taken *date*". Our last and second datey night was me getting invited to go out camping with her family. We went to a beach and planned to watch a meteor shower. The entire day was so amazing, getting that freedom away from my family felt so nice and on top of that- the free time was spent with the girl I was in love with. It was a on a beach so they went swimming, I didn't and lied about why I wouldn't but I didn't because I'm insecure about my body. A lot of people consider me to be fit and lean but I think its just a mental thing, I hate my body. After they all went swimming, I got to spend time with her, her sister hung around for a bit, we did some of the activities that was going on, and then late at night we went and laid together by a fire. When it was time to go back, they let her stay in my tent for a while, which consisted of a lot of making out, grinding... body parts, and a lot of hormones. We controlled ourselves though and we got comfortable, laid in bed and spooned for a while, however she continued to tease me with her hands because we both were still in the mood. In the end though, we stayed there like that for a while but around 2-3am her mom woke up and said she has to leave my tent, they never intended to let her stay with me the whole night but I was thankful enough for the freedom they had already given her to begin with. Instead of her going to her families tent though, we both got out and set up some chairs, aligned them in a way that we could still cuddle and stayed like that for a bit. Eventually though her mom said she had to come in and sleep. We parted ways and we both went to bed in separate tents. The following morning consisted of packing up, and heading to a restaurant for breakfast then we went to a store that was related to the camp.
That was our last date, after that she had been coming over instead, 2-3 times after.
On the last time, she came over, everything seemed normal to me for the most part, After she left and went home, my sister soon came over and we went out to eat.
The girl broke up with me during getting food. My heart shattered, while I'm uncontrollably crying, trying to hide it from my sister, she continued lying to me about why she was doing it. The excuses didn't make sense so after I checked her snap story- I saw a picture of her and her ex together. She then admitted to cheating on me. The happiness never stayed.
After that I got pretty fed up with relationships. I had a new idea, that being "friends with benefits" which mainly just consists of all the things couples do intimately but none of the responsibilities that are expected.
Holding hands, kissing, making out, sexual things, and sex it self are included in the
exclusivity contract. Nobody but each other is the only rule. The girl I did this with was the same girl as my first relationship, my old elementary buddy, my ex, and now my friends with benefits. We never fell in love, but it was as close to dating as you can get without actually doing it. So at 15, a couple weeks after my ex had just cheated, I needed a distraction and this girl was my distraction. I lost my virginity to her, and we continued doing... things. I later come to find out she went to a football game with someone she had told me about and my friend that was also a cheerleader snapped pictures of the the guy she was with and they were all over each other.
I split with her there, it was never dating but the contract was over and I completely ignored her existence after her dumbass excuses for cheating.
The artificial happiness never stayed.
I'm am now presently dating the 4th girl of my relationship career.
We're 11 months strong and damn we're complicated, especially recently with some of the things I've come to find out which has brought a lot of pain and sadness. I love her so much, she makes me happy, she's the source of my motivation and desire to be better. The only downside is the complications with her family. I am not able to see her anymore, in fact her mom thinks we're broken up. Its not my fault nor my girls, we're being forced apart and battling through this basically in a long distance relationship.
Despite the complications with me as an individual, and the relationship in general, she has stayed with me. She cheated on me, but all the happiness she has brought me was plenty enough to offer her a second chance if she wanted it and thankfully she did.
I forgave her when she was honest and admitted it when I confronted her, and I have hope that she's still the one. The happiness is still here.
Although I have hope, its much less than it was before. I used to be confident she loved me just as much if not more than I loved her and I was wrong. She doesn't feel the same about me. She may love me, she may want me but not as much as I want her and it worries me. If she doesn't want me equally then how can I trust she'll stay mine, continue to be loyal, or be honest with me when she talks. I never really knew how she truly felt and to be honest I still don't but its not the same as the lies she's told me. I was confident because I believed her when she told me that if we're forced apart, she'd stay loyal, I was confident because she gave me her virginity that she said meant so much to her, I was confident because all the pain and sacrifice we've been through to stay together, I was confident because I believed the lies that she told me about how she felt about us. That confidence in us is now on the edge, now that I know she has feelings for someone else, that confidence is not only low, but it's shrinking by the day. I will fear for a long time, as long as the guy she feels for is in her life that I'll one day find her with him. Whether that be cheating behind my back, breaking up with me for him, or her going to him for anything when I'm supposed to be the guy she goes to. I'm not sure if- actually to be honest I don't even know If I'm that guy for her anymore. I'm meant to be, I'm her boyfriend but that clearly hasn't stopped her from getting that attention from other people. I just hope this was the only and last time it ever happens again. This was nearly as painful as my 3rd gf cheating on me, the only reason it wasn't and worse is because she never actually touched anyone else, and because she didn't leave me.
I'm still happy, she's been the only one that can do that for me right now and she's the only one that hasn't left. I'm so grateful.
Depression however is a permanent illness, these complications don't help either.
Me and her made a pact a long time ago, that if one of us cuts, the other has to too.
The whole purpose of this was because we both loved each other and didn't want the other in pain so we couldn't hurt ourselves or we'd be hurting the other too.
It worked for a long time and is the only reason I haven't harshly cut myself in roughly a year or so. She however felt the need to punish herself after what she had been caught doing, I told her not to but she cut her thighs, I knew before she told me because she asked me to come over and kiss them, I couldn't though, this was over text and I'm not allowed over. I would've though and I wished I could have, I hate her in pain, me even bringing up that fact that I knew she cheated is the main cause for why she cut in the first place. If I hadn't said anything, she wouldn't have punished herself. Regardless its my turn, she cut, so now I have to. I just hope I don't get pulled back into the addiction that is pain.