July 09, 2021 lying on the water's edge

Dear Diary,

I can't sleep but I don't want to get up. 

I don't want to call back my doctor, I know now what to do for my problem, I asked to another doctor, but I still need the official documents from my family doctor.

I don't want to go to my boyfriend house, I don't want to have fiscal contacts, and I'm also scared about delta variant.

I don't want to get up and talk to my sick parents.

I don't want to answer to work calls.

I just want to lay down here, with my earplugs, in a complete darkness, with the ventilator pointed on my body, staying perfectly still, pretending not existing.

Can I stay like this forever? I would like to.

I have a reverie: when I can not sleep I often imagine that I'm on a beach, fatally wounded, lying on the water's edge, dying for blood loss. The cold see water touches my legs, the sun is hot, but I feel cold because of the hemorrhage. I'm totally alone, there is no one around. I can't call for help. I don't want to call for help. I can feel the sand against my cheek, I can feel the water wets my body, I can hear the sound of the waves and the songs of the seagulls. I can feel the blood spilling out of my body, I can feel myself dying. And it's ok so. I'm ok.

This is the most helpful image when I need to fall asleep. It doesn't works anytime, but it's the most effective fantasy that I can recall.

I'm not scared about death, I'm scared about suffering, I'm scared about aging, I'm scared about become chronically ill, I'm scared about the risk of become handicapped, I'm scared of becoming a failure. Is there a way to gently slide away from life without the possibility of being saved and perhaps even with permanent damages?

It's 9 o'clock... Please... Please day, do not start. Please, live me in a permanent night. Live me alone in the dark.