Sorry once again for masturbating. I tried hard but now it has become a habit. I guess it's very hard to get rid of it. It was going all well for around 5 months. Few shortfalls here or there, but overall I was practicing purity and now suddenly the urge is stronger again. Day before yesterday, I tried to sleep masturbate prone while being naked because I once read that this makes masturbation difficult since penis's sensitive area is directly in contact with the mattress. I tried and could masturbate naked as well. I know it is a sin when you try to masturbate, even for a test. But my mind just needed an excuse. Sorry Jesus, I am highly messed up. I do not think that I can reach heaven if I go on masturbating like this.
I think its time that I really shut my mouth. Today while we were walking, I told my Mom that I saw a small girl being told to say good morning to others. I told her look at with what etiquettes she is being brought up and we on the other hand.... that was it, last straw on camel's back. She started ranting that I used to say all this to you time and again but you never listen. I have told many time to make your bed but you don't and on and on. She must have felt really bad. She has done so much for me yet I complain all the time. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut for one time. Similarly, I guess there is no use of speaking things to people who would stick to their opinion or to people who do not give you respect.There is no point in arguing with the elders, you only spoil your image before them and by now I have done masters in how to spoil image before others. So I need to keep my mouth shut.
Lastly, I need to get over this laziness. Youtube has become a source of sloth. I wanted to study and complete few assignments before reopening but now I don't think it will be possible.
I sometimes wonder what will my future spouse think about me while reading same old stuff: porn, masturbation, laziness, failure, respite from these sins for a time period and then relapsing into all these back again. But I will fight and would never give in. Perhaps that could bring some smile on her face.
Anyway thank you for your mercy Jesus. Ummma.