July 02, 2021


I do and don't want to write this at the same time.

My "good fortune" that I mentioned in my last entry ended very quickly.

I was happy and content until I was forced awake on Monday afternoon (June 28th). My mom's left shoulder has been hurting her tremendously. She was crying a lot and struggling to sleep. At one point, the only way she could sleep was if she laid on the floor, but that didn't help for long either.

Anyway, my dad took her to the doctor to get it taken care of (spoiler alert: she's still in a lot of pain to this day. She wasn't seen by our regular doctor so this new person probably didn't take her seriously). So I was alone with my grandma and nephew, J.

For some godforsaken reason, my grandma thinks it's absolutely hilarious to give J balloons to play with (I wouldn't give them to him out of fear of him accidentally sucking instead of blowing and getting choked on it). They both sat at her table for a long time blowing up the same two balloons and making them squeak fart sounds.

My dad called me to check on J while they were doing this and I mentioned to him that they were getting on my nerves and my grandma replied, "well everyone else gets on my nerves so I can get on someone else's nerves, too." That was very bitchy of her and uncalled for. 

A few minutes later, I believe she was getting J done juice out of the fridge, and a bottle of water fell out. She picked it up and said, "I'm tired of these damn big water bottles falling out of the refrigerator!" 

If you didn't open the door so quickly they wouldn't fall out.

She also said something about how she had already found something that "pissed" her off that morning. She wasn't really talking to anyone and I wasn't going to ask her to elaborate because she gets pissed off about everything.

Several hours later, my parents came home. We all sat around for a while. My dad went outside to go check on my mom's chickens and fix her chicken coop apparently. Then my grandma went into her room. Came back out a few minutes later. Daddy was still outside.

My grandma was about to head outside to go feed her animals (chickens and cats), but she stopped in the kitchen to tell my mom and I, "when I get back, I better not see anything messed with in my room. I'm getting sick and tired of my stuff getting messed with."

Cue all hell breaking lose.

I immediately counter her saying that no one has been in her room. No one is messing with her stuff. We don't want her shit. Etc.

She told me to watch my mouth when I said shit. She had the fucking audacity to tell me to watch my mouth!

She says that she has evidence and proof and that we've been messing with her door and getting in her room.

(God this is all just so much for me.)

She says that she will call the law on us if she finds anything missing. She accuses me of calling her a liar for denying her accusations.

I tell her that me, mama, and daddy will move out. She said no, mama would stay. I said no, if me and daddy go, mama is going, too.

I couldn't sit there and take her bullshit anymore so I go outside and find my dad and tell him that she is back on her bullshit again.

He had been drinking ever since he got home, but somehow he was able to stay more calm than me.

And the whole time this is happening? J is right there with me and I'm crying. I keep telling him "I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry." He doesn't understand why the people he loves the most in this world are fussing at each other. He's 6. God why did he have to be there? Why did she start this shit while he was there?

I try to ignore her and my dad and distract J. I keep telling him I'm sorry and kissing him on the cheek while hugging him. 

At one point she accuses me of stealing her picture frames. Why the fuck would I want them? She says that I'm probably selling them or I "have them in there with [my] pokemon stuff." This pissed me off tremendously. I balled my hand into a fist and said "you son of a-" but I stopped myself from saying bitch, and daddy looked at me and said "don't." I hit the arm of my chair with my hand and my grandma said "you better not hit me! I'll call the police and get a warrant for your arrest and put you behind bars!" Woman I'm not going to fucking hit you what in the absolute fuck?? You're my fucking grandma. 

I put my attention back on J as much as I can. 

My mom is sitting in the floor sobbing. I'm in my chair, sobbing and holding J. My dad is *mostly* calm talking to my grandma. 

I can't help but sob-scream at her at one point, "I'm your [granddaughter] why would I do this to you??? Why would you do this to me???" 

There's a lot more things that were said but it has been several days since all of this happened and I'm also trying to block it out as much as possible. 

My heart hurts. My grandma who practically helped raise me has accused myself and my dad at least twice (but almost definitely more than twice) of stealing or general breaking and entering her room. 

She used to be a pretty sweet old lady. But damn, age has not done her well. 

Another awful thing about all of this is that she accuses us of this shit and then later acts like nothing even happened.

Another is that this is really hard on my mom. Her own mother is accusing her husband and daughter of these things. She's right in the middle of it. My dad has told me several times and mama wants to kill herself over all of this and I can't blame her one bit. You can't go through any part of this without considering suicide at least once. My mom deserves so much better than this. Bless her. 

I don't know if I was talking to J or if maybe I wasn't even in the room, but my dad said that my grandma had suggested or thought about "putting herself in a box" (coffin). 

My dad apologized to me later that night. He said it's all his fault that we are in this situation. We moved in with my grandma in 2015, out of a perfectly good 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathrooms house. If we had never moved, I'd have my own room and we wouldn't have this old bitch accusing us of stealing or messing with her shit. But my dad moved us here so that my mom could be closer to her mom. 

It had taken me over an hour to stop crying that evening and then my dad told me that and I started crying all over again. 

My dad was very sincere in his apology. 

But I haven't heard any apology from the person who really needs to apologize. 

It just hurts a lot. 

I was grateful when Tuesday, June 29th, finally arrived. Da and I had plans to stay at a hotel for 2 nights. I was able to leave without having to say anything to my grandma. 

Da and I were so very happy Tuesday and Wednesday. We had sex, cuddles, movies, pokemon, food, and showers together. So many cuddles. I was able to put Monday out of my mind for the most part.

Thursday, July 1st, didn't go nearly as planned.

We went back to my house to drop off my stuff before heading to the nearest Big City for our date. I had bought a bowling ball online and received in Monday (yikes, I know) and we were going to go get it drilled and then play a game or two. When we were at my house, it was so awkwardly quiet. My grandma was of course acting like nothing happened. Usually my dad has the tv on in the living room, but it was dead silent. The tension was awful. Da and I left as quickly as possible.

When we got to the Big City, we learned that it would be about 2 hours until my ball could be drilled, so Da and I went to play a couple of games at the alley and ate a tasty fucking pizza. My ball was drilled a little after an hour from dropoff and I picked it up.

Da and I were ready to play but it turned out that the alley was closing for a tournament that would be starting soon that'll end in about 4.5 hours. 

We were upset about this and thought about driving somewhere else. Da called another alley and they said they'd also be having tournament that night. 

I talked Da into going back to the bowling shop and he bought one new ball each for us. He had also bought us shoes. 

I didn't think he was really going to buy me another ball but he did. He said he had to because he's wrapped around my finger. Apparently, he very much is.

On the way back home, I started feeling sad. I had been with Da constantly for 3 days and I had been very happy the entire time (minus the unhappiness I had with an upset stomach on Wednesday). 

We got back to my house and cuddled for several more hours and had sex. 

It was so hard to let him leave. I miss him so much. 

I'm so tired.

Usually I'll proofread my entries before posting to make sure I don't forget anything or post any errors, but I don't want to relive that again. I don't want to think about it anymore. I had bottled it up and spilled it on this "page," and now I wish to bottle it up again.