Dear Diary, I'm supposed to be sleeping right now but just after I'm snug on my bed, there's a noise coming from the veranda just outside here in my bedroom. I hate how I even procrastinated on getting up and trying to see if the noise persists, it's as if something's moving some stuff outside like a cat or a mouse. As I was stiffened and listening I felt an ant crawling on my arm and brushed it off a bit too loud. Then a mosquito flew over my ear where I heard its buzzing. I got up quickly with my phone's flashlight on and opened my window. No one's there thankfully. I decided to open the lights here in my bedroom and on the veranda to check by my window. If there's some robber out here I won't be taking any of his shit. I'm caffeinated, stressed, and willing to beat the shit out of someone right now (not that I have the energy). Shortly after I picked up my laptop to write here the dog next door starting wailing. Oh did I mention it's 3 am in the morning?
I'm pretty sure no one's gonna read this because I myself don't even read other's entries (I don't have the app). So the following paragraphs are possible incoherent ramblings.
I hate how much I mention "I" or anything that refers to me when I'm writing because it looks too self-centered. Especially when the one I'm writing is in public. But as Ryoma Echizen of Prince of Tennis, "mada mada dane." Which, in this context, can be translated as "it can't be helped." Lately, I've been having the urge to write something introspective that will make me get my act together. Like my mind is craving to reflect on itself. It's like it's looking for realizations and insights waiting to be discovered, you know? It's really cool to think about it but doing it is another story. There's a lot going on but at the same time, it's relatively uneventful. I don't know how to explain it.
I just realized that this site isn't my best platform on this diary thing because this is not Twitter. On Twitter, I have an audience of people I know where ~performativity~ thrives. I'm liked by the things I like and dislike. My ramblings are validated in there because there's the like function. In here, there isn't. Which just decided is great because I'd be more unfiltered in here once I got all warmed up. I wonder how many days it takes to get accustomed to a new social media platform because this site is also a social media platform. I hope this never gets shut down.
Anyway, I'm going on a tangent (as I should, because all 3am ramblings don't make any sense).
What should I write? When I'm doing this diary thing I always lose track because I don't have any specific topic in mind so it's all a mess. It's been a while since I subjected myself in writing a diary, much more of a digital version of it. I can't do analog diary anymore because
1) it hurts my hand when I'm writing in long periods of time (I have a nasty callus because I write too hard, it says a lot about me but I swear I'm working on unlearning the habit)
2) i have a love-hate relationship about my "fake" and "real" handwriting.
3) i have other things to do.
Come to think of it, I have never back-read my entries in here because I don't see them worth reading. Wow, I'm really unpacking a lot when I'm this stuff. It's like, I just do this for the sake of getting out some gunk in my really really [looking for a word] brain. It's like a tangle that will never get untangled unless I did shit like these.
Ugh English isn't even my first language yet and this language doesn't fully encaptures my thoughts. I have no respect in this language because it took so much to my native language, Filipino. Yes in case someone's reading this I am from that country yeah yeah I know it sucks.