June 15, 2021

 

Dear Diary,


I have so much I want to ask Kemper yet I don't even know how to start the conversation. I also don't want to ask certain questions as I am afraid of what he might say. I am not very good at hard conversations.

We stayed up late and watched a movie last night. He was asleep by the time it finished. We were both exhausted last night. 

This morning he woke up before I did and was gone for work before I even woke up for the day. He is sneaky quiet when he wants to be.

I have been debating whether to keep pursuing people in my life. I think it is time for a break from everyone who doesn't find it necessary to keep me in their life. It is hard! Really hard! But I am tired of no communication and it just raises my anxiety when I reach out and get nothing in return. I feel like I just need to do a mental health clean up. 

Jax's birthday is coming up and it just adds to my guilt lately. I hope he never remembers me. I hate saying that but I do. I know my mom has him in South Dakota but she doesn't say a lot about him. He will be two! I don't ask either. I don't feel I am entitled to ask anything about him. I am happy he has stability and not a teen mom raising him. I can't even take care of myself.

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