Dear Diary,
I know I wasn't raised to be a materalistic kind of person. I've met people, some of them even guided me to where I am now, but as a kid I knew there was something off about these people. I always thought they were shallow. I didn't quite get to putting the right words, but these people did not sit well with me; I would say so until now.
I always thought it was such a warped perception to have, being proud of how wealth is really the epitome of the word success. But ironically, it feels like I'm becoming one of these people. It's as if I'm becoming desperate of the idea- being rich- and I would normally just joke about this. But right now, I'm not.
I have never really wanted expensive things in my life. I would usually go to thrift shops as a form of shopping and would even go to bargain for the lowest price an item could get. I haven't really been that tech savvy, never really owned any game consoles my whole life.
I look around today and see the simple life I live, and somehow it doesn't feel like it's enough. The vibe is enough. But I look at my mom, and my future, and it saddens me. Knowing that my family and I are not ready for any spontaneous charges, for example, hospitals, savings, we don't have none of that. I see these things and it pains me.
Everytime I would go and sell food at my mom's food stand I observe this 3-storey home across the street and tell myself, I wonder what it would be like actually achieving that one right there. There was one afternoon, pizza delivery guy came on his motorcycle and stopped in front of that house- and i wonder, just imagine having a casual pizza in the afternoon, unplanned (for context, in my place, pizza is not as cheap as you think it is). Just randomly being hungry and I'd buy 3-4 boxes of pizza for me and my family. We couldn't do that.
Just now I wanted to buy this book that I've been wanting to read and have a copy of, as aware as I am of the current finances, I wanted to buy a second hand copy, but even with the second hand I couldn't let go of the remaining account I have, and it's just sad.
Lately I have been contemplating whether or not to go to college. I can't tell my mom im more worried about the expenses and of her rather than myself. For some reason, I just know college is too much of a burden. I hate that Im not that smart enough to get myself in a state uni. I wasn't supposed to go with the idea anyway, but i liked learning new things. I know I have the potential-- in the end i knew i owe it to myself, to not throw it away. I almost didnt want to go through high school then because like right now, I was unsure of things; but this old friend of mine came across my mind who told me, "Don't let what youre feeling now, that emotion- that's just an emotion, Don't let that ruin your future for you.", i didn't know what she said then would make a mark on me.
At the end of the day, a lot of my problems wouldn't be problems if I had the finances for them. I know life isn't perfect. But I have imagined a world where all people had the same opportunities, those opportunities that are from the intentions of their core- and it would be a differently-wired world. I haven't acknowledged the downsides of it- it would probably help to put a bit of realistic touch to it, but i just am full of hope, for people and for the future.
I look around and i murmur in my head, "I have a mirror in front of me, and this is a privilege. There's a fan that works at night while i get to bed and that's a privilege." I hate making myself look special but some people my age get to college for the sake of having the degree, just going thru the motions. I don't envy them as I acknowledge they might be needing opportunities in other areas of their life but I hope I was one of those people who didn't have to worry, who didnt have to stop and get serious for a while.