May 03, 2021


Dear Diary,

I am in my 40’s and I have a son in his 30’s because I had him super young, we are only 13 years apart.  I have never been the parent that he deserved, due to my age and my immaturity.  I did not mature until about 30, and he was already a teen by then-too little too late.  So our relationship is more often like siblings emotionally.  I do manage to be an adult when it comes to running the house and giving him the encouragement he needs to reach up high to fulfill his goals, basically because I have always been good at setting goals and actually attaining them for myself.  Where the bad habit of falling into sibling behavior is, is when we squabble over immature silliness or the fact that my humor is very immature which gives him no role model of a normal mature person my age.  I listen to the same music, podcasters, YouTube personalities, like the same movies, etc....I need to hang out with people my age!  I need to grow up and be a proper mother, even though he is in his 30’s now, you always need a wise older parent!

I also received a serious brain injury when I was 18, which gives me some disabilities like - I can't recognize people unless they play a major role in my everyday life, and I can't remember people’s names - which makes my neighbours and some of my hundreds of work mates think that I am just a snob, because I will walk right by people and their face won't register.  I can't remember 85% of what people tell me in a conversation (which makes me the perfect secret keeper LOL).  I just don't have the energy after 25 odd years to explain my disability to everyone.  So I have had people get upset and hurt by me to the point that they will lash out on me.  It hurts but I know that they just think I am a primo snob....they don't get that my brain is smushed. This is why my pen name is “I don't understand people”.

I work at a menial job, but I love it because it keeps me physical and keeps me busy (it is considered an essential service).  I sat at home on disability for over a decade and it REALLY started making me depressed (which makes me feel for all of you sitting at home doing nothing suddenly because of Covid).  Sitting around your house for extended periods makes me wonder if it is as emotionally scarring as being locked up in jail.  If you have been to jail and would like to correct me-please do.

I take some psychiatric drugs amongst other drugs, to help me with my brain function. The brain injury made me emotionally unstable-like violent towards myself and others, flying off the rails due to the smallest frustration and suicidal.  It took years to find the right meds, but we found them finally.  So I am pretty emotionally stable now.

I was an early bloomer in the looks department. I was really pretty until my late 20’s, then I slowly started aging physically.  I wonder if God cursed me because when I DID have my looks, I used to use men ALOT!  So I think God saw that and said “if you are going to use my gift to you to hurt people with, then I take it back”.  So I accept it and learned how to live without having beauty to lean on (which does make life SO much easier LOL!

Ok, so there is my little intro.  From now on, I am going to use this as a proper dictionary....what am I saying? Duh...A DIARY!  See what I mean about the brain problems?!

I also look forward to relating to others on here!