Dear Diary,
I admit to being a spoiled brat but its a hard pill for me to take when ive come to realize how stubborn i am as well. See, when i was younger i was prone to instant gratification. I was the familys favorite. Not that they gave me all the materially wealthy people had, it was more of the attention. I am an only child with a single mother. You can just imagine how my close relatives took it as an obligation to give me a childhood a normal kid would have.
But i was always different from others, i remember when i was in second grade i begged one member of this group of popular kids just to take me in. i was the fat, ugly and antisocial kid, i remember one of the girls laughed at me after i kneeled before the three of them for a brief second; however i cant recall if they took me in or not. probably not, as i have never been in touch with them as friends after that (cliche story, but this was true). Back then i didnt know it wasnt supposed to be like that, but i still worked it out. I dont really know how i got this people pleasing side of me then, maybe it was because in everything that i did i would get praised for it. Instant gratification was too easy for me. I didnt have to work hard for studies or anything else, as long as i had to be a good and obedient kid, nothing else mattered.
Then i found my love for music and dancing. It was a unique quality to have, as when i would perform with the more regular folks i stood out as the fat, talented girl. I would always hear people telling me how good i was, and this is not to boast but at the time, i didnt even have to try hard. My mom was tolerant of this behavior and would always tell me she was proud. Because of this a cousin of mine admittedly said that she was jealous of how my life was going. It all seemed so easy for me, and i remember not knowing what the heck she was talking about.
When i grew up a bit and started making decisions on my own, I had to learn how the world around me really worked and i still am learning a lot about people and myself up to this day. I took all of them for granted that i hated it when anyone else would try correcting me in my ways, because what was the point, i am a good person, obedient if i had to, i can make my friends happy every now and then so what is so wrong about what im doing if im a great person anyways. I fathomed a lot about everything and i reckon being so stupid in house work, especially now that i am independent. Didn't know how to cook a lot of dishes so when someone advised me to do something i had to think first if this was a person i trusted or else, that advise is going straight above my head.
I remember seeing prideful people back then and i used to think to myself how much i cannot understand why they are like that. I used to think they are all pathetic and fixed and thats just ridiculous. Theres a lot of things to work on, and the thing is, i think people can never change who they really are. Maybe other factors about themselves do, but there are still some toxic behaviors and values that deep inside us we still have and are still trying to sort out, (not to generalize, maybe its just me). In my case, i hope i can bring back the humility and the empathetic child in me back, I used to think how vulnerable people are always the weak ones, but ive learned that that was not the case at all, in fact these are the braver ones and deserve recognition for the sacrifices theyve done in their lives. Im 18, and theres a lot to outgrow, but i hope I learn to listen again. I hope that there will come a time, where my own problems are not the only thing i am concerned about on a daily.
I hope i become better.