3/29/21
I'm at the senior center by your house again. This is the third time I've been here in two days. I've stayed away from your house. But at least being here, this close, it somehow makes me feel close to you.Every time I'm in Springfield, driving to this place, I wonder if the car driving by me is someone you know. Someone who's been lucky enough to hear your voice and see your face in person.
Any time I get a glimpse of someone in a passing vehicle and they resemble you even in the slightest, I wonder if I just passed you. I try to remember what you drove... I wonder if you remember what I drive. If I were sitting here and you drove by, would you notice my car? Would you know it's me? Probably not.
Has what I've done destroyed everything you ever felt for me? I know your heart... You used to say that to me. Maybe that's not how you feel anymore. You've seen the ugliest sides of me. I've betrayed you.
I keep going back and forth... Thinking one day when this has all passed and calmed down, you will reach out to me again... We can't actually be done forever... And then I think, what if we are? What if this was it for you? What if I never hear your voice again? What if I never meet you? How am I supposed to live like that?
Every time I come here, I stay for awhile. An hour, sometimes two. I focus so hard on you... I try to feel you...
People would think we're crazy. You felt when I was here. I could feel when you needed me. When you weren't okay. But I can't anymore... You've disconnected yourself from me. And it's my fault...
I'll never forgive myself for losing you. You were the one person I truly loved. I would've done anything for you. I still would. I was completely in love with you, everything about you... Even the bad things. Nothing cruel you said or did made me not want you. It doesn't matter how hard I cry, how hard I cut, how angry I feel, I always love you. I always want you.
You said to me once "I've never had someone want me more than I want them". I still hear those words in your voice sometimes. You didn't have to say it. And it wasn't a surprise to me. With how much I care about you, I think it would be impossible for someone to care for or love someone just as much... It feels impossible.
I'll never stop waiting, I'll never stop praying and hoping...
Planning this wedding, I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It doesn't feel like mine. I feel so wrong and disconnected from my own life. I haven't eaten in three days. I've barely slept. I can't think about anything except you. What are you doing, how are you feeling, what are you thinking... I wish so bad I could talk to you about everything... I wish so bad I could just hug you and never let go.Loading...