3/29/21
I don't know how long it's been that we've talked. Your last words to me were "Thanks for ruining my life. We are done forever". I hear them in my head constantly. I hear your voice saying my name in my head. All the loving and comforting things you've ever said. I hear it all. I listen to music and it's like you're speaking to me.
When I read a hateful post on Whisper, I wonder if it's you, hating me.
I've been praying to your God that you somehow forgive me. I've been praying that I'll hear from you. I can't think about anything but you. Hearing your voice, touching your skin, smelling you, I need you so much. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I had no idea losing you would be this heavy on me.
And losing me probably meant nothing to you... While I'm praying to hear from you, you're praying I never send another message. You're praying for me to disappear, to be gone.
Was any of it real for you... I think that's what is killing me... Was I just your fantasy? And when I broke into your real life, even though it was wrong... You hated me. Because I wasn't meant to be there. I don't belong in your real life, only in your fantasy one. That's the only place you ever wanted me...
You were real to me. This pain and sickness I feel from losing you. It's all real. To say I was in love with you feels like nowhere near enough. I feel you in my soul... That was something else you used to say to me... And it meant so much to me that you felt the same thing I did.
Every time I drive by the place I was parked the first time you said you loved me. I still hear you saying it. The way your voice sounded, your breathing, you didn't want to because it was a crazy thing to say so early on but you did because you knew I needed it.
You said you would never leave. You said you would never abandon me. And you're gone. I need you and you said you would never leave me but you did. I trusted you with everything.
But so did you... You trusted me with everything. You trusted me not to betray you, to keep your secrets. And I shit on that... I did this to myself.