March 22, 2021
I woke up todaay with the most awful headache. I was reading last night and since my head was perched atop stacked pillows, my neck and my upper spine had strained a bit. I guess the lesson is, don't read in bed!
I've been on hormones for almost six months now and my nipples has suddenly enlarged. My areola has widened too and I'm seeing breast for the first time! I don't know whether I should be freightened or excited about it.
I get scared sometimes and I hate it when people ask me why I'm taking so many medications. Anyway, I hope I have the strength to just move on and do the things I need to do.
I haven't written in many days now and I fear the inertia of lethargy had taken over as the default mode. I use to write a lot and now I don't even wanna think about it. I think something needs to give ... recalibration, reinvigoration, or some such thing needs to be established asap. It is so hard to maintain a good habit because doing nothing is always so attractive! Ugh, I hate my thoughts.
Why am I avoiding writing? Why is it so hard for me to move on? Maybe it's the hormone theraphy? Maybe it's the disenchantment with my secrecy? Maybe it's just sabotage of some kind? -- The fatigue and misery and hatred and anger and everything else shitty I can't reckon at the moment?
There are three words I have to remember: Luck, chance and fortune. The first two I can do something about. The last, I don't.
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