Dear Diary,
I am starting this diary in 2021, but this story really begins nearly 4 years ago June 2017. I was married at that point in time and perfectly happy (at least in my mind). I started suspecting my husband of cheating and started looking for online forums, ways to find out if he was, to vent, for advice. One of the people who reached out to me was a man.
Two months later I found out my now ex husband was cheating fully online he never met the woman yet but it was enough for me to end our marriage. The man I met on the forum became a friend, confidant, and ally. He was there for me through it all. 5-6 months into our friendship he came clean to me that he was in fact married. I was shattered I knew at that point I had feelings for him but we were simply friends because I was still reeling from my divorce.
I couldn’t lose him as a friend I was in a foreign country no family and no friends so I told him we can only remain friends. About a year after our meeting they moved to the neighbor state. I was broken, emotions ran high and we ended up becoming physical. We stayed in touch after he left but said it can’t happen again. He told me he couldn’t imagine not being with me again that he had feelings for me but can’t leave his wife and I never wanted him to.
We started a relationship each time he was in town we spent every second together, he understood me on so many levels he was intellectual and our conversations were extremely deep. I tried dating but nothing ever came from that usually only one or two dates, can’t help but take that personal.
This man’s wife found out she is sweet and kind and said they have decided to work on their marriage “he is the love of her life and always will be”. More things came out and I wasn’t apparently the only relationship he had. On a last phone call to me he told me I meant nothing he had no feelings for me, before he said if he wasn’t married I’d be the woman whose heart he would try to win. He said he never had a connection like this with anyone not even his wife and it wasn’t just physical.
I am broken I am merely mortal I own up to my mistake. He knows I have PTSD and on our last call made sure to say things he knew would trigger me and put be back in that dark place of being suicidal. I hate myself I hate that I so deeply fell in love with a married man. I am scared I will never have that with anyone else. It hurts me so much that he said I mean nothing. He knew my hurt I don’t expect him to stay in my life but fully blaming me isn’t fair and I feel he could have been a little more kind, civil and showed some humanity towards me. I feel everything he said to me were lies and that breaks me I’m so broken.
I still deeply love him. My days are empty we use to speak every day for nearly 4 years sometimes until 1 in the morning or later every single day... I know what I did was wrong I get that but I am also merely mortal... a flawed human being. His wife keeps texting me, she says it is therapeutic to talk to me and although it kills me I am doing it because she says it is helping her... It is the least I can do.
So here I am starting a journal I have never done this before.. But maybe it will help me heal, maybe getting my emotions out there will help I don’t know. I miss him, I’m broken, I am so so hurt and I don’t know what to do...