March 02, 2021

 

Loss.  


The things I have lost forever.  My youth, Cars. My Grandma (Nine) & Hallie - The 2 people who led me to faith and held me in it.  Nine was 90+ years old and unhappy, Hallie swore she wouldn't live until 40.  Their deaths are not my shame; however, I'm sad I didn't make the best of it with them both.  I lived selfishly thinking they would be there when i needed them or was ready.  Not thinking, they need me.  Cause who needs a mess like me to burden you and why would you actually need anything from me. Except, Love, the only thing i'm truly good at. Now, what </3  I'm sad and I have to move on.  I want them to know how much I loved them.  I was also broken and for that i forgive myself.  I am only human.  I am leaving 4 women behind in their legacy.  The idea of a perfect family was lost long ago. Sometimes it's not who you become but who you raise.  The idea that my family - built or born to - was normal and healthy is probably a healthy loss . . . But mostly, the things i lost forever are:

  • THINGS THAT DIDN'T SERVE ME.

The things I have not lost forever.  Control of my thoughts, emotions, words, and FUTURE!  My children.  My health. Knowing that being perfect is not a perfect goal. Myself, I am not ashamed to be me.  I have made mistakes, i have paid the prices, heavily in my opinion.  I have a higher purpose.  I know I am here to grow and help others grow.  

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