February 16, 2021

Dear Diary,

I don’t deserve this treatment... I deserve to be loved. I know that I do... this isn’t fair... I gave him such a thoughtful  gift. I insisted I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, just a coffee. That is it. No expectations or anything.... he couldn’t even do that. He actually forgot the day all together. He literally asked me the date on Valentine’s Day... 

What am I doing with a man like this? This is not my love language... this is so far from what I have ever wanted that I am left lonely... 

I’ve had so much better. It leaves me missing HIM every. Single. Day.... I don’t want to be with Brandon. I stay because he is the father of my child, but my heart isn’t with him... and I know his heart isn’t with me. 

I tell him I’m hurt, and he says I am rude... 

I wake up to him over me going through my phone.... I don’t care. Go through it... but it makes me wonder... why would you do that? 

He leaves this morning without saying I love you.... he thinks that I need to apologize.... I am not going to say sorry for him hurting my heart. I am not going to say sorry for finding him not trusting me. I have nothing to hide, I give this man everything he wants and more. I do as he says, I act how he wants... I truly dim my light because I am “too much” for him. Too loud, too excited, too clumsy, too dramatic, too high maintenance (because I wear makeup).... how am I suppose to live like this? I truly don’t think that I can. 

I am a smart woman, and I am smarter than to let a man treat me like this... he has all the control because I stay home with the kids because of fucking covid while he works... 

He is forgetting that for five years I successfully ran my own business. That I have a college education... that I can stand on my own two feet. Maybe I’ve forgotten that too.... 

Maybe I’ll start looking for a job... something that can get me some of my own independence...