Dear Diary,
Another day in lockdown. Struggling between not wanting to wish my life away and just bloody wishing it was summer and I could see friends and family. Got blackout drunk again last night.... have actually been drinking less than ever during this lockdown, just on Friday nights, but it seems to have lowered my tolerance, one bottle and I’m absolutely gone... last night is all a bit of a blur. Haven’t been able to keep any food down today.
Been thinking about Sasha (codename) but not as much as I thought I would be, considering how it ended. Probably also a symptom of lockdown, life kinda seems on hold so not seeing him doesn’t seem that odd. Saying that, I do miss him. Who knows what will happen longer term... it’s probably a good thing with his divorce etc all happening and a case of right person, wrong time - equally, the way he has dealt with his grandma has been super shit.
Have been trying to be good on my plan but tbh, I’m struggling today ... I’m allowed and off plan meal so I think I might just have that today as I’m hanging. My eating during this lockdown has become very disordered actually, going through stages of binging and starving myself. I keep telling myself it’s just because I’m out of routine but I think it’s a control thing subconsciously... hence I have got a new food plan and just trying to control it that way, rather than in an unhealthy way.
I really miss my friends... spoke to a few of them yesterday on the phone but it’s just not the same as being with them in person. Can’t wait for life to get back to normal, I’ve got so many outfits to wear and so many heels to put on. I really really really miss the gym too.