February 12, 2021

Dear Diary,

Had another fight with AM yesterday, it's getting more common for me. I don't like fighting to be honest. It's not exactly a fight too, more like a conversation where I express things which i am upset about. We do it in a decent way only. 

I completed the entire season 7 of Brooklyn 99 today. I really like Jake and Amy's relationship, and wish I have a relationship like that. With AM, he said let's meet and talk and I said ok, it was his reply to me saying I feel he doesn't care about me. Well, I know it's not the best response, I will not share anything with anyone, it doesn't do any good, because it's obvious if I tell any friends, they will reply negatively about him. So, what's the use. I was better off when I didn't give much importance. I want to reach that stage in life, where I am not attached to anyone, and no one can make me upset. That will be true happiness. But then I feel, how to achieve that in a relationship, its much better if you are single. I want to feel fulfilled in a relationship. Maybe I have already ruined it. To be honest, I don't know what to think, I can't think clearly. But definitely, if I don't feel my feelings are reciprocated I won't be happy in that relationship. One thing I know is I want to have someone in life,and I won't leave that person no matter what. I am done with breakups. I can't go through heart breaks anymore. 

I have suffered a lot in past, it's difficult to even talk about it. I was raped in December 2018 by a known person. I was a virgin, who never even had masturbated before. I used to think I will lose it with my husband. It was a very traumatic event of my life. And I can't really explain how bad it was for me. I didn't know a human was capable of that much sorrow and trauma. It was so bad, that I knew I can't live like this, 2019 was the worst year of my life. When I met AM in Jan 2020, at that time I was doing much better.

I have thought of death many times since that incident, and even fantasized death. In 2020, I decided to be a happier Nd cheerful version of me, credit goes to some amazing people I got in life. And I realised I don't want to be sad anymore, I just am fed up being sad. My sadness was just too much to bear, I used to cry daily for 2 to 3 hours till my head started to hurt, have panic attacks , and just wanted to burn myself. I felt insulted, and felt no one would accept me. No one would love me. That I am a failure in life. Anyways, I realised there are good people too, people who would accept me with my past. 

Present date,. I am a cheerful person, and no one can think I could have gone through such a thing. I treat that incident as an accident. And don't remember it. My goal is to be happy and stay away from sorrow as much as I can. 

I have told AM about my past, I kinda regret telling him though. I just was feeling extremely anxious that he will judge me, I know it's not my fault, but coming from an orthodox society, and knowing how many people judge the victims made me feel insecure. But, to get rid of that anxiety I decided to tell him  I don't think AM really understood me, because he has only seen the fun side of me. He didn't have to go through my troubles. Even when I was all alone in 2020 for many months, he was not there for me. He was only concerned about his problems the whole time, I never felt like sharing mine.