Dear Diary,
It's been too long again. As usual, things get hectic and I shut down. Money, health, doctors, food, exercise, house, sleep...it's all crazy. My husband even took me back to where we moved from to see our friends. It was good to see them, but I still never talked to them. So much on my mind...and then nothing at all. How could I burden someone with my issues... How could I be more negative when we're all down...and we just trying to find happy with each other, a moment to put the sad and other away for a while.
I am scared about my health. My doctor appointment is tomorrow, it's been a few months... I have not been kind to my body. I have not been eating well, I have not been exercising. I am suppose to eat vegan...and I just cannot. I emotional eat, and I like meats. I am suppose to lose weight... and I haven't. I am suppose to exercise, cause 3 doctors now have explained how with kidney issues the heart can develop issues, and I need a strong heart to get through my CKD. And now my doctor has told me that I need a mammogram screening, and we fought my insurance to pay for it cause I'm not 40 yet. needing a screening...cause she's concerned about things...fuck my life. what else can just be put on my plate.
I am not sleeping well, back on night shift, and husband on day shift, and alone so much. even when we're home together and awake, we seem to settle into a routine of him in his office, and me in my office, just sitting at our computers. not even playing a game together. things around the house don't seem to be getting done, and my to do list just keeps growing. I am not cooking, or cleaning, or doing laundry, or any hobbies, or talking to people... just sitting at the computer watching people I know on twitch, playing computer games, and then after 6-8 hours of sitting there, I sit there for 8 hours more doing my work from home (yea...still working from home...since march....) and then I get up and go to bed.
I have lost all track of days, I have to set alarms and calendar reminders or I never seem to know what's going on.
My nightmares haven't gone away either. I just feel like I'm so depressed, but I don't know what to do about it. I know I need to do things, but I just can't seem to do them. I know I can do them... but I cannot make myself get them done.
please give me the strength that I need, I need to emotionally get through these fears and concerns. please give me the strength to get things accomplished that need to get done. please give me the will power to be able to take care of myself...