January 26, 2021

 

I feel like I'm messing up. 

I'm hella overspending and I try to justify it by saying there's going to be another stimulus check and I'll probably get my tax refund shortly after the IRS starts accepting it...

I slept for a really long time yesterday.

I've been having really vivid, really weird dreams lately. 

I just spent several hours scrolling through a thread on reddit ("What is the strangest thing that has happened to you that you can't explain?"). 

And I just realized a few minutes ago that the day the IRS starts accepting tax returns is the second anniversary of...

I hate that day.

Last year when I was trying to figure out what day of the week that day fell on, I looked at my (ex-) boyfriend's phone and accidentally saw a text that he had sent to his best friend, "I don't know how to break up with xhopefulprincess."

I just wanted to check and see if I had that day off so I could spend it with him and not be alone or working or both. 

I'm way better off without him but now I associate that with February 12th as well. 

I also can't ever look forward to Valentine's day, not that I ever really cared about it to begin with.

But this is going to be Da's first Vday while having a girlfriend. Vday is on a Sunday though so he'll probs be working anyway.  

I'd want it to be a good day for him but I'm probably still going to be upset thinking about 2 days and 2 years prior. 


It's not my fault. It's his fault. He chose to do it to me.

I could've prevented it... I knew something was wrong. I went anyway. 

He fucking ruined me. He took the innocence I had left. I'm still trying to fucking recover even though it's been almost 2 years. 

It's been easier this past year than it was the first year but it'll never be easy. 

I hate that it happened but if it hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.

But couldn't I still have gotten here without having to go through that?

How many classes did I fail before I eventually dropped out because of what he did to me?

2 in the spring, 1 in the summer, another 2 in the fall. 2019 was awful.

God I could really use a new tattoo. 

I wish I could have my belly ring back, too. It would probably just get rejected again. Considering I only wear high-waisted pants/leggings, the damn thing would never heal.

I tried sorting through my jewelry for the piercing to see if I could get rid of any but I can't. I just can't. 

My piercing helped me recover so much. I loved it. 

I've been crying. I don't want to cry. I need to sleep. My mind is at full power.

That's how it's been a lot lately... I go to bed but my mind is full of thoughts. 

Sleep is my one escape from life and the real world but I struggle to do it and then when I do, I have stressful dreams that leave me feeling even more drained. 

I hope the first two weeks of February go quickly. 

The past few weeks have gone quickly, but the past few days have not. 
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