I feel like I'm messing up.
I'm hella overspending and I try to justify it by saying there's going to be another stimulus check and I'll probably get my tax refund shortly after the IRS starts accepting it...
I slept for a really long time yesterday.
I've been having really vivid, really weird dreams lately.
I just spent several hours scrolling through a thread on reddit ("What is the strangest thing that has happened to you that you can't explain?").
And I just realized a few minutes ago that the day the IRS starts accepting tax returns is the second anniversary of...
I hate that day.
Last year when I was trying to figure out what day of the week that day fell on, I looked at my (ex-) boyfriend's phone and accidentally saw a text that he had sent to his best friend, "I don't know how to break up with xhopefulprincess."
I just wanted to check and see if I had that day off so I could spend it with him and not be alone or working or both.
I'm way better off without him but now I associate that with February 12th as well.
I also can't ever look forward to Valentine's day, not that I ever really cared about it to begin with.
But this is going to be Da's first Vday while having a girlfriend. Vday is on a Sunday though so he'll probs be working anyway.
I'd want it to be a good day for him but I'm probably still going to be upset thinking about 2 days and 2 years prior.
It's not my fault. It's his fault. He chose to do it to me.
I could've prevented it... I knew something was wrong. I went anyway.
He fucking ruined me. He took the innocence I had left. I'm still trying to fucking recover even though it's been almost 2 years.
It's been easier this past year than it was the first year but it'll never be easy.
I hate that it happened but if it hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.
But couldn't I still have gotten here without having to go through that?
How many classes did I fail before I eventually dropped out because of what he did to me?
2 in the spring, 1 in the summer, another 2 in the fall. 2019 was awful.
God I could really use a new tattoo.
I wish I could have my belly ring back, too. It would probably just get rejected again. Considering I only wear high-waisted pants/leggings, the damn thing would never heal.
I tried sorting through my jewelry for the piercing to see if I could get rid of any but I can't. I just can't.
My piercing helped me recover so much. I loved it.
I've been crying. I don't want to cry. I need to sleep. My mind is at full power.
That's how it's been a lot lately... I go to bed but my mind is full of thoughts.
Sleep is my one escape from life and the real world but I struggle to do it and then when I do, I have stressful dreams that leave me feeling even more drained.
I hope the first two weeks of February go quickly.
The past few weeks have gone quickly, but the past few days have not.
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