Friday, 22nd January 2016
Dearest Friend,
The other night there was much more I wanted to add about having gone to Dublin with Mum, and a lot besides, but my eyes were beginning to close and the break from writing did me so much good…especially when single entries can reveal so many thoughts and emotions!
And I’m sure for you, as my candid reader and confidant, it’s good to take a breather and stand back from the situation; either with me in mind and spirit or to detach for your own benefit…
I ask myself time and again why I become so affected by all these obstacles; why I allow myself to get so sensitive by actions and events out of my control… Why I can’t be like your everyday “man” and be thick-skinned in opposition!
I don’t have the answers for that; at least any preferable to society’s generic viewpoint. I can only really be me, with all my flaws and weaknesses attached.
If there’s any consolation, it’s that by me going through the emotions and acting from sensitivity I’ve always been sincere with people, through and through – vulnerably giving to the world my personal truths and growing as a walking contradiction. I say one thing, do the other from further knowledge, and never really reach a promised destination in myself.
The truth is, apart from my biological makings, I have no idea where my true potential lies.
As sentient beings, I believe we invent ourselves based on where our strongest feelings bring us.
Whether we love or loathe that about ourselves is pointless, the universe is attracting us towards such “identifications” because on a subconscious level we are calling out for that as our preferred answer.
The “answer” is never a result, mind you, but an acknowledgement of what it is you’re really asking for or seeking to know…
When I think about The Law of Attraction and the above theory of mine, James comes to mind. And not because I’m a hopeless romantic – the chaotic kind – and James an obsessive, but because throughout our nights together we were a comforting reminder for the other… Both for different reasons, of course. A reminder of that true potential, which is an entitlement to every human being: to be able to give and receive love!
I truly believe, at a deeper level, James and I are meant for different people – but the same loving entitlements; meant for the same respect but destined for different things…
That aside, I also think we entered each other’s life with perfect timing; we both needed to voice out our own concerns, to be held and felt wanted for a short while.
In short, to be an escape through embracing the other and not focusing on our own worries alone.
For me, it was certainly a relief to not feel so alone in the process.
But it was also wonderfully challenging the way we could seek out an “assertiveness” in speaking about boundaries and intellectually being able to confront each other’s differences with ultimate tolerance and compassion.
So far, it’s been a rollercoaster of a friendship but overall I’m full of gratitude through all its taught me about James, the world and myself…
It feels so enlightening to realize your own steps in the sand!
A great but difficult thing I’ve learnt in recent months is how hard it can be to avoid hurting people when you’re trying to stay true and honest with yourself at the same time.
It sounds easy and self-explanatory when put into words, but in practical matters it’s very challenging when, in one way you’ve the best of intentions, and yet the reality of your later-discovered feelings become realized.
Sometimes we face situations where there just isn’t an easy answer and compromises aren’t always met.
Sometimes the truly good thing to do is the hardest one; through walking away and allowing space and time to be the mender.
Sometimes people desire materialistic role models and quick fixes, when really humanity is naturally varied and unpredictable…
Sometimes our feelings don’t make sense to logic but can speak volumes within our hearts!
I’ve acknowledged an awful lot lately; both the good and the bad. And I think to emotionally grow, that’s very important…in order to develop as a person and have a better understanding of people.
This winter has been a crazy one for me; a mental rollercoaster – and I wish I could say this enthusiastically...
Even today I think I’m still processing all that has happened, and will happen…
I can’t tell you how unhappy the period surrounding the court case had been for me… All I can say is I’m glad it’s surpassed and I’m hoping some justice can be served over what happened to Cindy.
As always, it’s been a huge comfort to write all that has been happening in my life; I receive great joy from unravelling all this journey and all these feelings within me…
Throughout all this process, one thing I’ve known constant in my writing these letters, is that whenever I’ve finished I’ve noticed myself assert towards a more positive-thinking and manageable standpoint, even in the most depressing times.
It’s very liberating to put your feelings down on paper, and to make sense of your own worldly challenges!
Yours always,
Jay.