As I am sure I am feeling with the rest of the world, 2020 absolutely fucking sucked. On top of dealing with COVID as a nurse in an assisted living community, I was disowned by my father for quite some time, resented by the rest of my family because of it, went through shit with my ex, and lost some friends who I thought were always going to be there for me. Due to all of this, I found myself suffering from depression and panic attacks, was placed on anxiety and depression medication and advised to see a therapist.
I know, a lot. Well, some may think it is. However now-a-days I am on better terms with my father, I am in route to starting a new job with new experiences ahead, rekindled a friendship with my ex, and am hoping to gain some new friends who are... less shitty. I hope that all these things will better my mental health, as well as journaling. A way and a place I can release all my emotions and thoughts and feelings without backlash from people judging me; at least I hope. You see, throughout 2020 I found myself regretting actions, begging people for forgiveness and living my life for others. I am hoping that 2021 will bring new opportunities and a new light on life and will be so much fuller of happiness by doing so.
With all this being said, I definitely received some depressing news today by my ex boyfriend. He called me this morning asking me about a nurse who I in fact hired for my community a few months ago. He told me that he received a phone call from a guy who I graduated with asking where I was working and if I was working with this girl. Sadly, she had overdosed and did not make it. It is still unknown if it was intentional or not, but regardless, it just breaks my heart. I literally spoke with her on Thursday when she last worked for me. I just have been asking myself all day if I missed any signs; if I had failed her in any way. She left behind so much, her 7 year old daughter being the most heartbreaking. I just wish I knew she was suffering. I wish she would have reached out...
Again, I am trying to take negative situations and scenarios into somewhat positive ones or life lessons. And this one hit me hard. As I said earlier, 2020 brought me so much mental instability; days where I wanted to just run my car into a tree because I was so unhappy with myself and life. Today reminded me how much of an impact each and every one of us make on people we cross paths with; whether it be our coworkers, supervisors, former classmates, loved ones. Jessica probably never would have thought that her supervisor cared so much about her that she would have found herself falling and crying on her bedroom floor wishing for just one more shift with her. It was eye opening to me that I'm sure even on my darkest days, I too, would leave an impact on those who I would never expect to shed a tear.
Nevertheless, if it was unintentional or not, my heart hurts for those who you left behind. My heart hurts that you never received the help you needed and never found the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you are flying high Jessica, and that your mind and heart are at the peace at which you were wanting. I hope you are looking down on us and seeing how much we truly did care about you and love you.