Dear Diary,
If I didn't put the date in these entries, I would have no idea what day it was. Pathetic! That is how out of touch I am with any part of the world outside of my own.
I don't have much to say at all today.
I'm miserable!
I ask myself this all the time but how and why did my life end up like this?!
I hate my life but I know I won't do anything to change it. I wonder if that is something other people do?
I was watching TV yesterday, have no idea what I was watching, but a relationship fell apart. I had to shut the TV off because it put me in such a fucking depressive state that I couldn't stand to watch it anymore.
I'm still miserable from it.
Then, to entertain myself differently, I grabbed a book from his shelf to read. It was Lisey's Story and the first couple chapters it is about a husband and a wife, the husband dies, from what I don't know. I had to stop reading because once again, I fell into this horrible depressive state. I had no idea I could sink any lower than I am right now.
I am still waiting for Ryan to email me. Nothing!
It never bothered me he was away but when he said he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, that hit hard
My life doesn't make any sense anymore. Why am I here? What did I leave for? Is this all because of me? I feel that I am making these choices because something is wrong with me.
These past couple of years have been bullshit. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Nothing makes sense, none of these entries make sense.
I felt like I gave and gave and in the end, I have to deal with it all.
I have nothing else to give in my life. Vince can have this hollowed shell of who I am. He don't seem to mind.
This doesn't make any sense........... Ryan you are ........... so many things right now. Selfish is what is flashing in my head
My thoughts are jumbled and I am not even following this.
Summary: Hate my life...don't know exactly why I hate my life yet...I miss Ryan...I am hurt with Ryan not wanting anything to do with me or that he won't respond to my emails...Vince can have me whatever way he wants because why not...too many life questions right now to answer...I don't understand anything...I don't understand myself either nor do I think I ever will...
I wish Vince hadn't walked in the bathroom last night, there would have been such peace with being gone. A peace that I really want right now