Dear Diary,
I wonder if anyone ever gets to the point where they are done. Done with life, done with people, done with family, done with work, just done...
I can be done with all of it, except Ryan. It hurts to leave my parents but not as bad as it does Ryan.
I drink so much lately. It helps numb it all. It really helps. The bruises help me feel anything. Feeling the pain gives me some reassurance that I am alive. Although the vicodin, helps me numb it all back down again when things start getting too real.
I know I am fucked up. It is how I am working through my "life".
I can never remember the sex with Jerry but I know it also probably helps me feel something. I am unsure what that would be but I seem to seek out attention that way from men. Why though?
Once again, I am crying about Ryan. Why won't he talk to me? Why am I so easily discarded to him? Does he know how hurtful that is? Does he even care? Why? Why? Why?
I wouldn't do that to him, ever. He won't stop being my brother. Just the thought of never seeing him, never talking to him, never listening to him...... I fall apart. I just cried for 20 minutes on the floor after that sentence. I am so stuffed up.
All this crying just sucks. I hate being emotional and I hate feeling anything.
I am drinking vodka straight from the bottle. The warm feeling feels good. Seems to help.
I am miserable. I don't recognize the person in the mirror. There are bruises all over my body. Some look awful. I am in pain physically, mentally, emotionally. And I just don't give a damn about myself.
I may drink most the afternoon away. Blow Ryan's email up and maybe I will get a response from him. Even if he were to respond "leave me the fuck alone", I think I would feel a little better because at least then he is acknowledging me.