October 20, 2020 Part 2

Dear Diary,

I am a mess today. I can barely get myself out of bed. My eyes are all puffy from crying and Jerry isn't very happy with me crying so much. I am trying to get my shit together but it is hard
My friend Ian messaged me saying things aren't going very well for him either. I feel awful that I just don't have it in me right now to try and bring solace to him.
I have emailed Ryan so much today and begged him to talk to me. I hate that he is just pushing me out.
I hate that I am not in the mood for Ian, I love our talks. Even when life is shitty, he always puts a smile on my face. I know he probably needs someone to talk to but I just can't right now. Which makes me feel even worse because then I feel like a shitty friend on top of everything else.
Jerry is coming by again and I am just going to get a few drinks in me and that will help me get a little more focused.
Afterwards, Vicodin and bed.
I'm just done.......I can't today, I just can't