Dear Diary,
Hang overs suck! Although no slit wrists and I didn't wake up in the hospital so vodka was nice to me last night. Haha
The depression is very real today. I don't want to get out of bed and I probably won't. At least I have someone that helps make the bed a little warmer. It is freezing this morning! It feels good but only if you stay underneath the covers.
Last night, I sat and watched the lights from buildings and cars. It is crazy how busy the world is even when it is dark out.
Birds chirping this morning is kind of annoying. It would be nice if it was a little bit quieter
At least Sandy said he is planning on staying here for a few days. Which is nice so I can just be lazy and catch up on some sleep. I feel like I haven't slept much the past few days. Which I don't think I have much, maybe five-six hours a night. You would think drinking a fifth of vodka, you would pass out for at least a good eight hours. But it was so not restful at all. I am so damn tired this morning yet, can't sleep.
I keep thinking about Kemper. I need to get over the regret of leaving but it is hard. I could have really cleaned up my act there. He actually seemed to want that for me yet, gave me a lot of freedom to figure myself out. I truly am a moron when it comes to my life. haha
I also had the craziest dream last night. It had my dad in it and I was home and I was so much younger. He was teaching me mario brothers on his old nintendo. My brother was there too, just this cute little boy, playing too. We were all sitting on the floor and I was in my dad's lap and he was helping me hold the controller and jump and move mario around on the screen. And mom was making french toast, like seriously, I could smell it in my dream. We were all so happy and normal. I haven't had a dream like that in, I don't know, probably forever or maybe ever.
What the heck happened to that family?! My parents are divorced and let's just say that after watching that whole process, I really don't ever want to get married. Although they were married for almost 19 years so that is a long time
My brother changed too. I guess I did too. We grew up. I grew up a lot younger than I wanted to. Yet, looking back I can't imagine being "normal" again, if it is normal to be that way.
I think it is probably Homecoming time at my old school again. I would think everyone is getting ready for the dance and picking out their dresses and tux's, and all of that absolutely does not interest me at all.
I guess Ryan created a change inside of me that changed me into who I am now. Although he did more positive, I think. I have definitely been on my own self-destructive path lately. I don't really have anyone to blame but myself for it.
I sometimes think I should go see him but I think it would just cause more problems then it is worth. Plus, I am almost positive he would take me home and that isn't what I need or want right now. It would cause a fight between us and I am not up for that with him. He can truly be very assertive when he is on a mission and he wouldn't stop from taking me back home.
I miss him though.
Ugh, I need to think of other things. My head hurts, my mouth tastes like ass, I can smell my breath underneath the covers, I am starting to wonder if I threw up last night.
Maybe getting some more rest will put my mind on a better track today.
The only thing right now that is helping me think everything over, is typing this diary up every day. It helps put so much in perspective or at least gets me to put what I am thinking down and then I have to think about it and ponder it.
I also smell campfire! It is a good smell but I lectured Sandy on why you can't just let it keep going when you want to sleep. He is an adult and he should know better. Wasn't Smokey the bear a thing years and years ago? So my drunk ass had to grab a shovel and dirt and stir and keep pouring dirt on it until it was out. See, I can be responsible! Haha
That was actually a good positive thing I did yesterday. Hey, it's a little thing but it is still a good thing/deed/positive thing.
Okay, my head is killing me and it is almost sickening. I am done on here.