At 6 am-friday, after I finish my shift I had breakfast with my mom, which happens often but we only get to discuss real matters when we sit at the dining table.
Her stomach was getting better now, and I remember asking her if she was still willing to see the doctor after the series of days that she felt that jolting pain, even though it died down already. As expected, she shrugged it off and told me again for the nth time that she can still manage self-medicating. I let out a sigh as I ask her, youre going to brush this off again, but the next time that sharp pain hits you, youll whimper as if i never told you to have yourself checked.
I can feel that she had the reason to be stubborn, i can feel she was scared. She knows theres something wrong, i just couldnt pinpoint what it was. Relating to that matter, i asked her about the insurance i was asking her to apply into. She told me she was diabetic, it would take months and a lot of monitoring to be approved in an insurance. So i replied, what is a few months if its going to help her, us, financially.
She immediately replied back saying, its okay, im going to be your beneficiary anyways. I cant help but feel appalled by the statement. My beneficiary? The company wont allow beneficiaries for my insurance unless i become at least two years tenured! I wasnt even a regular employee yet!
I clarified this to her as she muttered a low, oh...right under her breath. I told her again that i was planning on resigning anyways. She was still not budging, I told her that she should really save for her insurance. I said things about how I earned so little too, and that I had to save as well. She seemed shocked at my statement, obviously letting me know her inner thoughts thinking about how do i have a lot of burden to carry when i dont have bills to pay, no child to raise and feed, and all that responsibility.
But the reality is, i do. I still have to save for college, which i should be studying now, but im not. I buy the food and supplies for my three dogs, i save some money in the bank, have my own piggy bank, and i still give like a 10% of my salary to my mom! Not to mention, she still owes me a couple of money, but i get the thought that it would be inappropriate asking her for it since shes my mom and stuff.
It all dawned on me that she thinks everything is easy for me. Ive been wanting to buy at least a new laptop or a new phone for a business ive been trying to tend to, but i couldnt because i was also planning to be the one to apply for her insurance. I cant believe that if i were to work for the rest of my life from now, my mom would depend on me, even if she can still work.
As i was doing something on my laptop, i overheard a conversation of my mom and her bf talking on the phone, as she comforts him for hating his job. Something at the back of mind tells me that if her bf becomes unemployed again, shes going to provide for him (AGAIN!). She tells him he should quit the job if the boss is hard on him anyways and all that crap. Why is it that when i was the one who told her that i hated my job she just asked me to give it more time, guilt trip me as to how if i lost my jobs there would be a lot of consequences and that i couldnt feed my dogs, and all that bullshit. After that I swallowed my pride and did my job, which im in, only because it pays my bills!
My mom is just manipulative at times. My cousins and my aunt couldnt understand why im too hard on her sometimes. But its because she can be selfish. It would be better to me if this type of selfish would be because of self-care and stuff, but no! She just makes foolish decisions. When shes stuck in misearble situations i find her blaming other people too, as if shes not the one who got herself stuck in there. People might see me as immature or theyd tell me, wtf are u saying, u have the best mom in the world, or honor your mom and tell me how immature i am. Trust me, i know im not perfect as her child, and im not trying to either. But it pains me when all i wanted was to grow myself and it feels like she hinders my growth. I dont want her to be perfect either, i just want her to grow up, set her priorities straight. This victim mentality is just not bringing her anywhere.