December 05, 2020

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Dear Diary, I wish I could tell you that something happened or changed, but it didn't. Everything is the same, I do stuff for uni, work, learn japanese, watch youtube, read manga the usual stuff. And of course I have breakdowns because of the whole relationship situation.


Right now I'm fantasizing a lot mostly about having the perfect girlfriend and being hugged. I think I mentioned that I never really got a real hug before, except from my mom. It must be really great. I remember so many situations where I sit next to some girl I like and wish I could just hug her, but know I can't. They are very clear about not wanting to be touched and I respect that. But then I see all the people who do touch each other and I wonder how they are doing it. (I'm talking pre Covid right now)


I don't want to sexually harass anyone, but nobody ever says it's ok to touch or anything. Nor do I think a girl would ever say that. Am I supposed to say it? That would be herassment too! But how are these things supposed to work, I just don't get it. It makes no sense.


The only one I could theoretically hug right now is Belle. And I mean I'm basically her closest contact right nie and she always says how alone she is. Doesn't she want some human contact too? But she is like all the other girls and doesn't want to be touched at all. One time when she was crying, because of the thing with her father, I tried to make her feel better and just lightly touched her shoulder (Well the shoulder of her jacket, it was outside) She immediately reacted negatively and asked what I'm doing, even though I was just trying to comfort her.


These situations are why us shy men usually don't touch anyone.  And then we are being made fun of for being not good with women. You just can't do it right. I myself am not very comfortable with being touched out of the blue either, mostly because I'm not used to it, but there has to be some possibility of mutually wanted hugs, right? If only I knew how.


And then I just can't help but fantasize about someone perfect. A girl who actually wants to hug me and enjoys it ans tells me she enjoys it. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. 


We could cuddle and talk about our interests, because she would be a nerdy girl too of course. She wouldn't have exactly the same interests as me, but there would be some overlap. And we could introduce each other to new stuff.


She would be smart and we could have conversations about anything. Maybe she would be silly and warm, maybe more stoic, I can imagine both.


I confess that I fantasize about her looks too. What I am most guilty about is that I really like thin girls. It's such a cliche and I'm so sorry to all the girls who struggle with their selfimage. I think it's totally fine to be curvy and nobody should feel bad about their natural body. It's just my type and I'm sorry. At least my type are the ones who have small breasts too, so I'm not completely cliche. All women are great though!


I feel like it's all my fault. If I was a cool person who lived by himself in the big city, I woulf have a girlfriend. Maybe It's because I'm not a real adult.


Have a nice weekend everyone!

T
TitusAlone✓
Dec 5, 2020 · 32 views

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T
TitusAloneDec 8, 2020

Thanks again for your support! The problem is that I can't ask any friend for a hug. It's very difficult for two guys to do something like this, because you are going against how guy friendships usually work, which is a very different kind of support. With girls it's also not possible, because they would immediately see it as a sexual advancement and I don't want to put them in a situation like this or be seen in that way. And to be honest I do long for that girlfriend kind of intimacy. Without a girlfriend there is almost no way for a guy to have any intimacy except maybe from his parents. That is one of the toxic things about masculinity in our society. I want to help change it, but I'm also stuck in it.

R
Raven HawkDec 8, 2020

@TitusAlone, I think everyone fantasizes about their perfect mate. I have been married and divorced and never got it right. I have had relationships the match my interests and others that do not. I have learned that there is not the perfect person but it is more important to look for the right qualities. Right now in this day and age, there are circumstances that make people's living situations not idyllic. I do not think I truly understood what it meant to learn to love yourself until about a year a two ago. Open communication in friendship is the most important thing. Maybe it is different for a girl but if I needed a hug I have asked friends for it before. Maybe talk to your friend about what you have experienced with her. Sometimes that shudder has nothing to do with you. It will get better everything takes time.

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