It's been a whole minute since my last entry. To give an update on that: mine and my dad's covid tests returned negative.
I was feeling so much better, except a little more nose issues than what is considered normal for me and a small cough. Then the night of the 22nd, my cough got worse again.
I got in bed and was participating in some activities and I just started coughing really bad. It made my throat hurt so bad I thought it was bleeding (it wasn't).
I keep randomly coughing and sniffling without fail. It seems that my cough medicine isn't helping much. I'm so tired. I wake up every time I turn over. I have no idea if that's related to coughing or not.
My dad is going through just about the same stuff as me, except he says he feels the cough in his chest, whereas mine is in my throat. I imagine mine is going to travel down to my chest at some point, too, but I'd rather it not.
My mom and grandma are fine though. I don't know why we are both struggling against this unknown... Enemy.
My mom's brother and grandma's son died Sunday, the 21st. He and his wife were riding their motorcycle and someone in another vehicle pulled out in front of them. The wife survived but has a collapsed lung, broken knee, and other injuries I'm unaware of. The driver of the vehicle is being charged with murder, I believe.
It's kinda weird, or maybe ironic, that he died in a motor vehicle accident just like his father (in 2001?). I didn't even think of that until my grandma pointed it out, but I think someone else also told her that.
My mom and grandma are both upset. I'm not. I didn't really know him. I barely know his real name since everyone calls him by a nickname.
Had a little bit of a meltdown with my dad today regarding online classes. He said something about how if someone isn't doing well in an online class, it's due to laziness. He was framing this towards my aunt and her youngest daughter and I guess he didn't really consider my experiences and thus he set me off.
Online classes are hard when you are processing trauma and trying to learn how to be a person again. I failed 4 online classes and there he was saying that people don't do well in online classes because of laziness. Yeah, thanks.
But I guess he didn't really know that I failed at least 4 online classes. He also didn't even know about my trauma until at least 8 months afterwards. That is my fault. I should've said something to my parents sooner. I don't know why I didn't. I was ashamed. They just want to help me.
It is what it is.
I've been wanting to make an entry about babies for a little while now but I get distracted whenever nighttime diary time happens.
I feel so pressured and confused about babies.
I love babies but babies are such a big commitment. If I have a child, everything changes. I would no longer have myself at the forefront of everything in my life. I would no longer have time for myself and to do the things I want to do. I'd no longer get to sleep and just lie in bed for hours on end.
My dad said something a couple weeks ago about me having a baby and that's when these thoughts really got stirred up.
I almost feel obligated to try to give my mom the granddaughter she's been wanting. I feel like both of my parents want to see one of their daughters actually be a decent mom and my oldest sister already screwed that up and between my other sister and myself, I'm the only one in a stable relationship.
But Da and I have only been dating for 2 months and have known each other for 5 months. We're not ready for that. Da has only been without his virginity for 2 months so he's definitely not ready for fatherhood. He doesn't have the kind of income to get his own place or to support myself and a baby.
And I feel pressure to have children sooner rather than later. My parents aren't going to live forever, especially considering the state of their health and I 100% want my mom in the room when I give birth. If I wait until I'm 35, she might not be there for it.
Recovering from pregnancy and labor and birth is much easier on a younger person than an older person, especially when considering my health now. Childbirth will take a bigger toll on me in 10 years than in 2 years.
I almost want to just stop taking birth control and say "whatever happens, happens," but I actually want to prolong getting pregnant for as long as possible.
Babies are a lot of work and I'm really not ready for them yet. I want to keep being selfish for a little while longer. I just want to spend time with Da, not grow another miniature person.
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