November 20, 2020


Dear Diary, why must I be so bad at communicating? Like I said last time, I chatted with Knight again the last few days. When I didn't write her the last few weeks, she was not often online on discord, but now that I have written her every day again she is online again. That is at least something positive.

The last exchange is a great example for why I suck so bad at all this. Since it doesn't contain any personal information, I think it's ok to copy it.

Yesterday I sent this:

The Last of Us 2 is nominated for so many game awards categories πŸ˜‚

Even though she was online, she didn't answer me until one day later. That is fine, she often does this. We have talked about the game awards and TLoU in the past, so I think it was a fine topic. I wish I could taΓΆk about something more personal with her but that is so hard. What should I write her?

 She went online today and took about three minutes to write this:

It is a technically impressive game

the story is where people are divided πŸ˜…

It's either a masterpiece or trash πŸ˜‚

Me again:

That is true

I guess you shouldn't exclude divisive games

This is kind of like the oscars now πŸ˜‚

She (7 Minutes later):

I think people mainly watch the VGA for the new game trailers πŸ˜‚


Yeah πŸ˜‚

Most people probably don't even watch it

She: like the Oscars πŸ˜‚

That was it. I couldn't think of anything else. In hindsight I should have just left a πŸ˜‚ so she would't feel ignored or something. I'm angry with myself that I didn't do that.

But now you hopefully see what I mean. It never really goes beyond simple small talk and I don't know how to change that. Tomorrow I plan to ask her how her new job is going, which she told me about a few days ago. But that isn't very in depth either.

With Belle it is so much easier. She will just tell me whatever her big problem is right now and I just have to react and do my best to help her. With Knight I would have to be the one who shares his personal worries. But when I try that she usually goes back to small talk stuff very quickly. I'm sure she has plenty of important stuff in her life, things she really cares about, but maybe I am just not the right person for her? But why will she then still contact me on her own from time to time to show me her new switch for example? Out of politeness?

You might ask why I'm even doing this again. Talkimg about her like I want to flirt with her, even though she has rejected me. (That was 1,5 years ago, wow Covid made this feel so much shorter) It's just that I have to maintain this contact to as many women as I can. Maybe I do make myself a bit of hope that she is secretly madly in love with me. But it's not that I really believe that. I NEED to get better at communicating with girls like her. She is the only one (except my friend Clara) who fits the type of girl I'm usually interested in.

Yeah, she is Vietnamese and we talk in English, so it is maybe harder than it should be. But I HAVE to try. I need to show myself that I am making an effort, even though I can't do anything else,

due to this stupid virus.

I so wish that dating was 50:50. It would be so much easier to learn how to communicate with women romantically if there was someone on the other side who had to figure out the same thing. But now women stay in their passive role and we men have to struggle with our active role without getting any answers back. It's like learning how to talk in a language, but nobody is allowed to speak to you.

If the genders were the same in dating I would have been asked out I am sure. Maybe I would be better at asking out too  since I wouldn't feel like I have to abide to this horrible macho persona. I probably would have had a girlfriend by now...

Well  at least my back is feeling better again. Seems like I still have some time left at least. Have to make it count.

A wonderful day to everyone