November 19, 2020


Dear Diary, veni vidi venti.

Once again I am fed up with the state of dating in this country and maybe the world. Most things in my life are going smoothly, but dating is like a high security safe burried in the deepest part of the ocean and I'm equipped with a snorkel.

Where have all the normal girls gone now that school is over? There used to be so many girls who preferred to read, were interested in videogames, were smart and otherwise pretty normal, in a quirky way. Now there are either women who are complete adults who have taken on some persona. Or they are very alternative, smoke weed and go to techno parties.

Both are finde, but there is almost nobody inbetween like me. What does a career woman or someone who is thinking about family want with me? And why would someone who is all about partying be interested in me? 

I wamt someone who hasn't figured their whole life out already, who still has some youthful energy but in a quiet way, who doesn't care that much about travelling and drinking but is still just fun to be around casually.

In my three years of using dating apps I've seen maybe 30 girls who actually seemed like that. And probably 40000 other ones. What used to be normal is now seemingly the strangest thing one cam be. I was always proud that my character and interests haven't changed much since I was a kid. Guess I'm a manchild or something, or whatever they call it. Almost everybody else is either a boring adult or a party animal. And you know what I'm still glad I'm not either.

Knight is very much like me I feel like. She is living in her own world of yaoi, movie stars and videogames. To bad we live in two similar but still separates worlds. We were chatting the last few days again. We both are giving our best I feel like, but we are just not good communicators.

Belle is more of the party type, but she wants to be the adult type. She has another Meltdown again a few days ago. We went for a walk and chatted a lot afterwards, she just could not stop thinking about the relationship to her father. He remarried recently, and has grown more distant since he is together with his wife. Belle was talking about her problems with him a lot, but now he just tells her that she isn't a kid anymore. Of course she reacts very emotional and writes him stuff like "I feel terrible" out of the blue, which he interprets as attention seeking. I believe her that it's because of his new girlfriend. She needs to be calm and talk it out with him, but that is just not possible. When I try to give her advice it often just gives her anxiety and she thinks she can't sleep if she doesn't do what I say or something.

I shouldn't talk about her stuff again so much. My own problems should be more important.

Amd then there were the people from my theatre group. None of them have texted me since I left. I texted one of them, but he hasn't even read my last message (for 3 months now). That is part of the reason why I didn't go there anymore. They weren't real friends. They are all the alternative type. But their idealism doesn't translate into caring more for others or trying to understand people unlike them.

I hope these vaccines will fix everything, but I doubt it. The real illness has no vaccine unfortunately. Growing older isn't just a bodily thing. If you don't watch out it changes you to someone you might not want to be. Everyone can decide that for themselves of course. I will just stay here close to the middle, seeing everyone take of in all sorts of directions.