October 17, 2020


Dear Diary, so I decided that I won't do the full 15 page paper like I planned and will instead do the 5 page essay. I wasn't really feeling the subject and I don't want to stress myself out to get those missing pages done.

I already submitted that I would write a paper, but it was only per e-mail not officially in the office where they track these things. So if I just explain that I made a mistake and don't need the grade from the paper I think the professor will allow it. He is retiring now after all and my friend said that she would maybe not submit hers at all. I'm still a bit nervous, but I am 80% sure it will be ok.

I want to write the paper in a seminar about videogames this semester instead I decided.

So the past two days I didn't have much contact with Belle, but surprisingly Knight has one of her talkative phases again.

She bought a Nintendo Switch and sent me picture of it on her bed with the words "tah dah 😄". So we mostly talked about that and when her games would arrive.

It's so weird whenever I talk more with her again. A year ago I had such a big crush on her and stupidly imagined a whole future with us as a family or something.

But for some reason our conversations are always kinda awkward I have to admit. We are always talking about videogames, anime or youtube videos and it often just boils down to "I like this and I like that" Sometimes I try to ask more about her personal life, but she never shares much. And going deeper into the nerdy topics often just weighs the conversation to much down for her I feel. It doesn't help that we are talking in english I guess, which isn't native for either of us. She can write German, but then she takes even longer to write and I don't want to put her through this.

I have a very formal writing style when chatting and barely use any abreviations and stuff. And I feel like she wants to emulate that, even though she doesn't normally writes like this. But this is just my stupid style I don't mind if she is more casual. I don't want to stress her out.

Maybe we are just to similar in our personalities. We both had INFP as a result on that popular personality test. We don't want to hurt each other, but that keeps us from opening up to each other. I can speak much more freely with Belle even though she sometimes responds in a crazy way. But because she is like that I feel comfortable to share my stranger stuff to. Is that why people like extroverted people more.

I feel like you can talk about anything with me, but maybe people see me as too closed off, like I see Knight. I'm not sure though, I have had open conversations with other introverts too plenty of times.

Ok good night yall