To any one who actaully cares,
This is the first time im writing in here.i am a hindu.currently 14 years old and this is my POV on my life.
But firstly, let's get this straight,I am definately not.
I had my suspisions since I was 4,almost 5.I, clearly, remember visiting my male cousins house and I was very eager to play as my sister two years younger was only 1 and a half years old so I led him by the hand and heard the grownups saying something about me being brave enough to take a boy with me in front of my parents at such a young age and i remember thinking to my self,"why would i want to marry him when i had my friend at day care waiting for me".
And so 3 years go by and my parents had to go to America to become consultants in their respective medical fields so, I was transfered to school there.And let me tell you, I had to learn sinhala and english at the same time until i was 6 then i had to learn tamil for a year and when I was finally getting the hang of it, they say I have to study in english and tamil because we would be tranfering back the following year so, you could say I am good at adapting to new environments but I was still super shy and would only start talking after I get to know them for arleast about 10 minutes.And when I was there I tried to be the top of the class so,I studied every day and got almost every thing correct and was basically acting like a honor student even before knowing what that meant.i did this or more like my theory of why I did this was becaues my parents didn't have much time for us and they were busy.And also my father was in a diffent state so i needed a reason i could talk to them or be praised by them.
I remember vividly thinking every one has a crush so, who is going to be crush and not finding anyone and then thinking that a girl is cute and pretty and wanted be like her but guess what I was wrong. As time went by I started to neglect my sleep and watch vedios on the internet because I couldnt when I was studying, skipped breakfast to study and eventually got bullied for my curly hair and was madefun of for my unique name.so when we moved back I used to cry for everything ;such as when someone asked for my name or simply asked any questions ,and if some one I know or someone who heard about me is reading this they would already know its me so hi,but back to what I was saying,I cried nonstop and got the nick name mimosa because i cried at a touch like how a mimosa shuts it self when touched.
in 4th grade there was a girl, she was pretty, smart and later became the wise prefect of the school's student body.Initially I didnt think much of her but I did keep her and another boy as my target and and made it my goal to surpass them in our scholarship which we had to take in our 5th grade wher I got got sixth place in the district(national exam to sort us into our high school).and in our tution class's prize giving because I didnt know any one there and my parents couldn't stay, her father asked her to invite me into her group of friends so, thats where our friend ship began.
and from then onward I caught my self staring at her and she was also pretty touchy feely but some how that led to us holding hands and this continued for almost 5 years well because i didnt think I liked her as more than a friend but let me clear this out I knew about the LGBTQ community when I was 10 and sex at the same time and also to put this out there I have not come out but I am atlest according to my calculations homoromantic asexual and demisexual so which means i can only develop feelings for a girl who I have known for sometime but not want anything other than holding hands/toching each others body/kissing which means every thing other than sex is ok, so as I was saying she got a new friend when we where in our 7th grade and I was replaced for holding hands by her and got super jealous.I got my confidence up well actually I drank a cup of wiskey from my father stash and asked her would she give me something and she was confused so we played a little game of guess the word and it came to _iss so she tried and tried till only k was left and eventually got it and also this was on a wednesday and so on friday at her house I told her I loved her she didnt answer me and told me she would message me and it came"sorry.I cant"but still I somehow had hope and asked her again and was given a sheet that said no.I was a little depressed and cried in secret from after 1o'clock when every one falls asleep to 6:30 when they wake me up for about a week while also not trying to be distant or sad in front of other people so i think i got over it pretty quickly becuase i had my exams in a week.after my exams i would beat my self up mentally for almost ruing my life or for liking girls and being different and i also tried to cut my self but didnt in the fear of being found out by my peers or family and making them go through this hell with me.well I am ok now ,the reason i wrote this here is because i dont get much privacy and my diary is always secretly read by my friends or my sister.if you read all of this thank you very much because now some how a huge weight has been lifted off my chest ans PS:she is still one of my close friends.