September 24, 2020

 

Dear Diary, not much has happened since. Yesterday she wrote es usual if we want to meet, but I said no. She soon knew that it was because she so bluntly didn't want to talk about relationships.


 She said how it was "dangerous" to talk with me about it and asked me what I expected of her. I said that I don't expect anything from her anymore. I know that was passive aggresive of me, but I couldn't help it.


Then she tried to make me talk with other people about it again, like that super extroverted guy from the bar. But I already know everything guys like that are going to say. Be more confident, be a charming, flirting guy bla bla. It's sounds pretentious, but most people just don't understand me.


I talked to so many guys before and even the ones who once were in a similar posision as me couldn't help. It just depends on the girl choosing you, which is the conplete opposite of what people will tell you.


I didn't tell her of my feelings, because I'm a coward. Later she wrote me that she talked with her mother about this. I replied that it was totally fine, because I know that she might have anxiety if I don't say that.


Today we didn't write. I know she tried diving in a local public bath today. I hope I didn't ruin that for her. But maybe she won't care.


I've been thinking about writing a book about my situation. It would be about a guy like me who is visiting different places with a girl he met under mysterious circumstances. They have chemistry, but the girl does not want to be with him. He accepts that, but they argue about how difficult it is to be a man under these circumstances. In the end they don't come together, but she acknowledges what he is saying and believes him. Because that is so important. 


That is also what makes me so upset with Belle. She doesn't believe me. It's so hard and my feelings arw killing me, but everybody acts like this is normal and what it should be like for men who are not the way they want them to be.


So the past days I mostly tried to distract myself from all of this. I listenedn to personal attention ASMR videos, which always help. The girls who do these are so nice! It feels so good to hear somthing positive about yourself from a girl. I wish real girls were like that.


I also played a game called Hades on the switch. It's a roguelike dungeoncrawler about the son of the greek god Hades who tries to escape from hell. It's so addicting and the writing is super witty.


I also began a game called The Blind Prince and the Lying Princess. It's very cute qnd I like that the girl is the one who takes the lead and does all the fighting in this one to protect the prince. Because fuck gender roles, they are ruining everything.


Well take care!

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