Dear Diary,
we're all broken here. so understand more n change for the good. that's all the broken things can do.
it is exhausting and hurting, and very hard if you keep trying to radiate goodness if you yourself is hurting, whether it is inflicted by the people closest to you, or by the circle you're in, or the toxic culture in your community.
where do you get all that power to keep on radiating goodness by trying to be your best self? i think they got their power from having no other options. they have to be the best self otherwise they can't function in the profession. not the best self, just giving enough to stay alive i guess.
i have everything, they say. but my head is sometimes a pain in the neck uncontrolled. its especially hard if I don't have someone i trust (my persons) like right now, i have some family members i trust but they are imperfect and for the fear of inflicting my mother feeling less loved than and by my father, i fear being close with my father too. now that i think about it i guess that's acceptable i guess.
i guess I should find some friends but I am quite hard to trust of the people in this enclaved culture of my distinct community. maybe i could find it in another town, but then I fear i could not work if i don't oblige to the represive culture i cannot escape in. i cannot escape without the money from having to work.
maybe working is my way out of this shit. kind people in the other town. i should not waste their kindness for me. i should not waste my father kindness towards me. i should try to make enough this reasons, and try to empower myself without having to put my hope on a supernaturalsuperior being.