September 20, 2020


Dear Diary, I'm having another late night panic attack. It just won't calm down even though I want to sleep.

I have to keep thinking about what could have been. If a girl had been interested in me in my teens. It would have been so wonderful. We would have been such a great couple, we could have exoerienced everything together for the first time.

But now everything is too late, soon I will be 27. The years are flying by, but nothing changes except that it gets harder and harder. 

I'm not even sure if girls in real life are interested in guys. I've only read about it online. But in real life women never say how they find something in a guy attractive or how much they like guys. That is so weird. They really don't seem to care at all. I don't talk about girls with other guys often, but they always express what they like about them.

But girls, never. Apparently even that is too much to ask for.  It doesn't even have to be about me, just some sign that girls here even care. 

Sometimes I wish that girls would experiemce what guys like me go through. I know it's cruel, but if nobody was interested in them anymore, maybe they would start caring. Maybe all guys should form a pact to do that. Who am I kidding that would never happen. And I know there are plenty of lonely girls already. I am just fantisizing. It just would be so nice to actually feel wanted. Imagine girls actively looking for boyfriends and asking a lot of guys out. Guys would get to be the picky ones, but that would be unfair too. It should just be 50:50. Some guys would still be active and guys like me could be more passive.

 But if things were different and it felt like girls actually wanted to be flirted with, I thknk I would actually be able to do it then. Now it just feels like I would be annoying to them at best. 

Why is dating still like 50 years ago, even online? Women are so much more empowered now, why don't they use that freedom? Probably because they don't have to, I guess.

I will try to sleep now, good night  :)