September 19, 2020


Dear Diary, a few things that happened the last few days.

On the 15th Belle and I didn't talk much. But out of nowhere she sends me a text "By the way this is the best Love song ever imo" It was Annies Song by John Denver. It is really good.

I replied that I couldn't think of a song as good, but sent "How I can tell you" by Cat Stevens  which sums up my feelings pretty well.

I have no idea if that song was supposed to be a message to me or if she understood what my song meant. We didn't talk about this aftwards.

The next day I was visiting a different female friend and her boyfriend. In the evening Belle wrote me asking how it was and if she could invite me for dinner the next day. She offered that before because I was supposed to rent a book for her from a specific library at uni. It turned out that you couldn't lend that book  so I didn't do it. But now she still offered it.

I accepted but said that she didn't have to. To which she replied that she wants to do it, because she is feeling emotionally unwell. I asked what it was about, but she didn't want to tell me. And then that she felt better now.

After that she wanted to talk about a girl from her old theatre group who lied in an interview about being a professional actress and said that this girl was strange to her, because she was jealous of Belles good acting. Whixh could be the case, I didn't really know. But then she said that she thought that I was jealous of her acting too.

This is not the case at all and I asked her why she thought that. She said, because I was often silent after she talks about her acting. It's true that I think she sometimes brags a bit, but I am not jealous at all.

She also thought that I didn't want to hear her accusing her because I was going offline a few timesx while she was writing some lengthy messages. In reality I was just waiting to reply, chacking if she had finished writing.

These things worry me a little. I don't mind her being a bit crazy. But it's a bit scary when she just assumes stuff like that about me. This was pretty harmless, but it was still weird. She has deleted most of these messages since. She is always worried that things are going to happen to her because of things wmshe wrote or typos. She often asks me if bad things could happen because of messages and I have to assure her that this is impossible.

Akd today that guy who I mentioned, with the exgirlfriend I know from BDSM texted her asking for a photo of me.

She told me and I said that I wasn't comfortable with that because I don't like that guy. He probably wanted to show his ex the picture so she could tell where we know each other from.

He was being very penetranto Belle. She mostly thought it was funny, but got annoyed after a while. (I told her about the BDSM a while ago) I wrote a message to that girl, explaining things and apologizing for mentioning that I knew her.

It seems that he know now. The girl has seen my message but hasn't replied.

I just feel very confused. I don't want to be part of others relationship thingies or whatever is between that girl and her ex. I just want to have my own relationshio for once. But what is up with Belle? I hope I can get some clarity soon.

I now know of 4 different boyfriends that girl had. She has probably had more. The same goes for Belle. Young girls can experiment so freely with relationships and sex. No wonder most of them think relationships are no big deal. I wish guys like me could do all that too. But we aren't worth anything. Nobody wants to experiment with us.

Instead we are told all these confusing things and are given this toxic male role to fullfill. It's really no wonder there are so many awful guys out there.