August 31, 2020

Dear Diary, today not much happened again. I chatted a bit with Belle, wrote my paper further and had a call with another friend I met at Uni. She is also pretty crazy, but in a totally different more goth and intellectual way. I only see her as a friend if you are thinking that. And she has a boyfriend anyway.

So today I thought I would talk about some more risky stuff. Like sex stuff. Consider this your content warning.

So about 2 years ago I went to a BDSM meeting for young people in a ckty near me. Nothing kinky happens there, but kinky people go there to talk about kinky stuff. And it's also there for young people like teens to talk about their interests considering BDSM.

I was pretty nercous going there. But nit because I'm afraid to talk about sex, I jusg get social anxiety really easily in groups I don't know. But it was ok. They were pretty nice. I met some really interesting people there if course. Like people who are into pain, latex, being  treated like children or animals and other stuff.

I wouldn't consider myself a extremely kinky person, but I am definetly interested in it. Even as a kid I was fascinated with people getting tied up and other stuff. Like I became really interested in sex machines at a young age 😂 Not the simple kind of machine you see in porn, but hightech scifi machines that control a womans body completely. I read so many erotic stories about that subject. I love the idea of mindcontrol too. But that is all pretty fantastic. In reality I would mainly be about bondage, orgasm control, teasing, sensory deprivation that kinda stuff. I mostly like the idea to be completely in control of a womans body and slowly getting her aroused, but not letting her get her orgasm easily when she gets close making her beg for it.

So I'm not the commanding shouting kind of dom obviously. But I could see myself trying lots of different stuff, with myself in a submissive position too. I think I could go conpletely vanilla in a relationship too though.

So I went there for almost two years. It was pretty hard for me because everyone there always talks about teir awesome sexual experiences, and all I could ever talk about was what I might want to do. I always got really sad afterwards.

Everyone told me that I would find a partner there eventually, but after 2 years it never happened. I really wish there existed some help for inexperienced people. I asked them how flirting works and stuff, but nobody can explain it to me. It's like they all just instinctively know and people like me just have a disability or something.

 I went to some other events too. One time I participated in a bondage tutorial. A girl I knew let me tie her up, since her boyfriend wasn't there. It was really fun. We learned how to not interfere with the blood flow, tie some basic knots and some simple shibari. So I tied a girl up, but haven't kissed one 😂

Afterwards I even bought my own ropes made out of hemp, which feels nice on the skin. I also bought safety scissors at a local store,  which you need in case something goes wrong to quickly get rid of the rope. I felt pretty cool buying them without anyone around me knowing what they are for. 😂 I also thought about buying a wand vibrator and a speculum, just to have them. Would be pretty weird though if anyone finds that stuff. And I don't see myself using them anytime soon.

Now with Corona all of these BDSM events are cancelled. And the event I was going too is only for people up to 27 so I'm loosing a lot of time. Belle isn't kinky by the way so even if I got with her I couldn't explore that side of me. And lately my libido has been pretty down too. so I fear that I'm getting old and have lost my chance to truely live my sexuality 😔 I hope that it's just stress or something.

Well hope that wasn't too shocking or anything. Take care!